Changes
by FrostySnake
Summary: A bit more focused on Peter and Sophie than most other stories here are. Chapter 16 up! Please R
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Higher Ground or any of the original characters. I do own Carlene Radzilovich.

It was raining really hard when Sophie came back from her morning run. Plus, it was cold and the woods had been so muddy they seemed to be more of a swamp. She wondered why she went out to run in that weather, immediately scolding herself for showing weakness, even if it was only in her thoughts.

When she came out of the bathroom after a long, hot shower, she heard the phone ringing. "Who the hell calls at that time in the morning?", she muttered under her breath.

She picked up the receiver. "Becker.", she said, trying not to let her bad mood influence her tone of voice.

"Hi Soph! Did you enjoy a nice morning run in the rainy mountains of Washington?"

She recognized the voice immediately.

flashback 6 months earlier

Sophie was at the retirement party the Navy was throwing for her father, Rear Admiral Becker. After all the official speeches she became bored rapidly. She'd never been involved with her fathers professional live. Most people there were soldiers talking shop. She went to several groups, but all they talked about were military operations, technical data on ships, who would be made Captain next…Finally she found herself near a corner of the room, watching everyone else. After a while she noticed that she wasn't the only one doing that. There was a woman who seemed just as bored, although she obviously belonged here, wearing the uniform of a commander. Apparently, the woman had spotted her too, she was coming over.

"Gets kinda boring, huh?" It was more of a statement than a question, though.

"Even for someone who belongs here?" Was that woman patronizing her?

"Well, in some way you must belong, too or you wouldn't be here. Anyway, it is boring. I've been to a lot of these parties lately and everyone always discuss the same topics."

"Oh? And what is the retiree usually doing around this time?"

Shrug. "Some of them discuss their retirement plans. Some just wait for the moment they can leave without being too impolite. This one? I'd guess he's not completely drunk but getting there."

By the mentioning of her fathers drinking problems, the smile was wiped from Sophies face

The other woman noticed that. "Are you family?", she asked softly.

"Daughter.", Sophie replied curtly.

"My frankness will get me in real trouble sometime…. Anyway, I'm really sorry if I hurt you, but it's probably the truth."

"I know – I know…" Sophie sighed.

"Oh, where are my manners, I'm Carlene Radzilovich, you can call me Carla."

End of flashback

"How did you know that?", growled Sophie.

"Well, let's see… weather report tells me it's raining up there and my – admittedly limited – knowledge about you tells me that you probably wouldn't be deterred by that. By the way, here it's sunny, perfect weather to lie on the beach…" Carla teased.

"Why did you call?", Sophie snapped angrily.

"Why, to make your already bad mood worse, of course."

"I'm beginning to believe that, too. Now, seriously, what's up?", Sophie said in a gruff voice, trying to suppress a smile.

There was a moment of silence on the other end. Then:

"Umm… I was wondering… were you serious about inviting me up there?"

Flashback (same time and location as the previous one)

They spent the rest of the evening together. Mostly they talked about their freetime activities, the countries they visited and what they did there. Both liked all kinds of outdoor sports, especially rock climbing.

"I bet I could climb any rock you are able to do. But I could beat you swimming any distance longer than 100 meters.", Carla finally challenged Sophie.

"No way! I bet I can manage to climb our climbing wall a lot faster than you!", Sophie threw the challenge back at her.

"OUR wall? You own some climbing center or what?"

"No. I'm working at a high school for troubled teens, Mt. Horizon." And she explained what the school is all about. "I got an idea. You can come visit me there some time and we'll try who is better. Deal?"

"Deal!"

End of flashback

"Of course I was! We don't have any major problems here at the moment. You can stay in my cabin. I still have to check with Peter, but I don't expect any problems. If he has any objections, I'll call you, though. When will you come here and how long do you want to stay?"

"Does Saturday and one week sound ok to you?"

"Yeah, great. Listen, I have to take care of some things. So, if nothing changes, I'll see you day after tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Alright, I won't keep you from your duties. Bye, Soph." She sounded relieved.

"Bye, Carla." Sophie put down the receiver.

On the way to breakfast she wondered what that was all about. Carla had sounded like something was bothering her, occupying her mind. But she put that thought out of her mind, since she thought that she would find out soon enough. Just then she spotted Peter and went over to him.

"Hi Peter, I got a question for you…"

He turned and smiled at her. "Shoot." he said.

"A while back, I invited a friend of mine. She just called and she is thinking of coming up here this weekend and staying for about a week. Is that ok with you?"

"No problem. But I had a two day hike with the Cliffhangers planned for next week. So she'll either have to come with us or stay on her own."

"I don't think she'll mind a little hike."


	2. Chapter 2 A bit hard on them?

Disclaimer: I don't own Higher Ground or any of the original characters. I do own Carlene Radzilovich.

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Sophie was walking towards Peter's office, when she thought she saw a movement behind the wood shed. She went there to see what was going on.

What she found was Scott and Shelby kissing passionately, with their hands all over each other. She cleared her throat loudly.

Shelby and Scott were completely absorbed in what they were doing, but when they heard the noise of someone clearing their throat, they quickly broke apart. They found themselves facing an angry Sophie. "Umm … hi Sophie.", Shelby said guiltily.

"That's the third time I caught you in two days! Don't you think you're stretching your luck quite a bit?" Sophie demanded, impatiently.

"Sophie, I already am on kitchens and Shelby is on wood chopping …" pleaded Scott.

"So you think I should let you off easy?"

Scott and Shelby looked at each other, realizing this wouldn't happen, then looked at the ground. They really didn't want another punishment.

Sophie thought for a moment, then sighed as she made a decision. "For the next 48 hours you aren't allowed to speak to each other or come within 10 meters of each other. That includes sitting at different tables during meals and sitting as far apart as possible during group. Someone will check on you regularly. Understood?"

Both of them looked absolutely shocked and started to protest. "But Sophie, that's …"

"I don't want any discussion." Sophie immediately cut them off. "Two days is not that long."

Hearing the veiled threat of an even longer time on these restrictions, they shut up and nodded.

"Now go to your dorms. It's ten minutes past lights out." Sophie commanded and started to walk off. When she turned back and saw Scott and Shelby linking their hands and starting to whisper to each other, she called out to them. "Remember your restrictions. They start right now!"

There was a bit of groaning, but they broke apart and went off in different directions, not wanting to get into even more trouble.

"Good night!" Sophie said, satisfied. She only got grumbled answers.

"Hey, mountain man." Sophie said as she entered Peter's office.

"What took you so long? I thought you just wanted to tell everyone lights out?"

"I caught Scott and Shelby. Again. I told them not to have any contact with each other for the next two days." She sighed. "I don't know what to do with them."

"Don't you think that maybe you are a bit hard on them? Maybe we should turn a blind eye every once in a while?"

"I caught them three times in two days. And that's only the times when I confronted them. Two or three times I did turn a blind eye. It's not like I go looking for them."

Peter shook his head. "They should learn to be more discreet, then." He wanted to put aside this subject.

"So, who is this friend of yours? Someone I know?"

"I don't think so. Her name's Carlene Radzilovich. I met her at my father's retirement party. Thanks to her the evening wasn't as boring as I thought it would be."

Smiling, she thought back. They had ended up talking for hours and hours, it was as if they operated on the same wavelength. Finally, Carla had helped her to get her father home without any major embarrassment. Sophie had been glad that Carla didn't give her a look of pity like most other people in that situation would. Suddenly she realized that Peter was talking to her.

"… a bit uncomfortable taking someone I don't know on a hike with the kids. Even you haven't known her for very long…" There was a bit of concern in his voice.

"Peter, I don't think she will be a problem. Besides, she will arrive on Saturday. So you will have something like four days to see what she is like, how she behaves around the kids. If you don't want her on the hike after that, she won't come. It's as easy as that."

"Aaalrright. Could you give me some more information about her?"

At that, Sophie had to laugh a little. "Peter, she is a guest, not a new admit! But ok, you can ask me questions and I will answer them to the best of my knowledge." She was kind of amused by his request, actually.

"Ok, here goes." Peter said after a bit of thinking. "If you met her at your father's retirement party, does that mean she's a soldier, too?"

"Yeah, she's in the Navy. If I recognized her uniform correctly, she's a commander."

"Is she married? Does she have kids?"

"She's widowed with one son."

"Did you meet the son? What's he like?" Peter thought maybe from that he could see what kind of mother that woman is.

Sophie sighed. "I met her at that party. We spent that evening talking with each other. Her son wasn't there. So I didn't meet him."

"So, can you tell me what she's like?"

"Well, when I first met her, I was a bit put off by her straightforwardness. But other than that she can be extremely funny, occasionally sarcastic but also sensitive with a lot of empathy. As a woman it probably wasn't easy for her to climb the ranks, I know that there are still a lot of sentiments against women in the military. I know that other than her son she doesn't have any close family, but some of her remarks led me to believe that once she had a big family. She likes all kinds of outdoor sports but also horse riding. I think she has had some success in dressage competitions. Well … I don't really know much more about her. But I know that I like her and could easily trust her."

"That sounds good. I don't know why I am so tense."

Sophie looked at him closely. "You look tired. Could be you are just sleep deprived? If you want my advice: take one thing at a time, wait and see what happens."

"You are probably right. We have to tell the Cliffhangers about that visitor of yours, though."

Sophie nodded. "I'll do that in group tomorrow."

"Good night, mountain man.", she said, giving him a quick kiss.

"Good night."


	3. Chapter 3 A Butterfly

AN: Linkie, thanks for your review. I almost htought I wouldn't get any. Guess I was wrong. I also thought I already uploaded chapter 3. Guess I'm getting old...

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The next day was a Friday and for the kids it seemed to drag on forever. With the weekend just ahead of them, school was more boring than ever. Most of them were half-asleep or at least lost in their thoughts and not paying attention at all.

It was the same for Ezra. His mind was occupied by the upcoming summer break and the prospect of switching between his parents. If they just wouldn't talk bad about the other 'parent unit' to him. It always made him feel caught up in the middle… Suddenly he realized that the physics teacher was staring at him. He obviously expected an answer.

"Umm, sorry, I didn't get your question."

The teacher seemed annoyed. "Now that you've been so kind to join us, could you please explain the concept of relativity?"

"Well… free time goes by relatively fast, boring lessons go relatively slow…"

Surprise showed in Mr. Green's face. Then: "I don't like the attitude you show towards school; but yes, that is a valid example for relativity. The example Einstein used is time spent with a good friend versus time spent sitting on a hot plate…"

He was interrupted by the bell ringing. "Ok, since we had enough examples for the relativity of time, for Monday everyone will think of an example for relative speed of moving objects, relative temperature and one thing of your choice that is relative. You can go now."

Everyone was relieved that school was over for the day and left as fast as they could. But soon they all gathered around Ezra. "I don't know what to do with that homework.", Shelby complained. Everyone agreed with her.

Ezra looked at them all, surprised. "Didn't you listen to what I said in there?" he wanted to know.

"Not really." Jules admitted, "I only started paying attention, when I heard 'for Monday'…"

It was much the same for everyone else.

"Well… I think something is relative, when the same thing looks different from different perspectives… I can't really explain it better…" Ezra tried to explain.

Daisy was the first to catch on, "I think I get it. When you are standing on the docks of an harbour, you think you are standing on solid ground. But if I just came back from a long boat trip in rough water, the same dock seems to move beneath me because I got used to the movement of the boat…"

"Exactly!" Ezra exclaimed, happy that his explanation had been understandable.

Scott was next. "So, an example for temperature would be…. If my hands were cold and yours were warm, and we put them in the same lukewarm water, the water would seem warm to me and cold to you. Right?"

"Yeah. Anyone still not get it?" Ezra wanted to know.

Most of them were ok after these explanations. Only Jules spoke up "I completely understand your examples…. I just can't think of anything myself."

"We have all weekend. I'm sure you will think of something. Or we can work something out together." Auggie told her. "Thanks, Auggie." She smiled at him happily.

After everyone went their separate ways, Daisy caught up with Shelby. "What's up with you? You don't look so good."

"Nothing." Shelby said, turning away and trying not to show how upset she was. But Daisy wouldn't just let her go like that, "Did you have a fight with Scott? I saw you coming in after curfew last night and you looked upset then. Come to think of it, you didn't speak to him or go near him today. So what's up?"

Seeing that Daisy wouldn't give up, Shelby sat down on a bench. "Last night, Sophie caught us. Again." Remembering that, her face got angrier. "For today and tomorrow, we are not to speak to each other or come within ten meters of each other. She half threatened to extend these restrictions for even more days!" Shelby almost shouted. "So as much as I'd like to, I won't risk anything by talking to him!"

Hearing that, Daisy hugged her. "I'm sorry. Really, that's pretty hard. Aren't you already on wood-chopping?" Shelby just nodded, looking miserable. "So you just have to be content with my company. You'll still have all of Sunday to spent with Scott."

"Daisy, it's not that I don't like your company, just…." - "I know. I'm just saying: Make the best of it. Staying in a bad mood won't do any of us any good. You really spent a lot of time with Scott lately. Maybe this is a good opportunity to get back on track with the other Cliffhangers. I mean, they're your friends, too."

For the first time, Shelby smiled. "You know what, that's good advice, counsellor, I guess I'll take it. Thanks."

"Don't mention it. Do you remember the Trackers girls challenging us for a Scrabble competition? We were planning on playing today. The Trackers are sending four girls, so we'll need you." – " Sure, I'm good at Scrabble. Let's go!"

Later, when it was time for dinner, Daisy split from the group and went to look for Sophie. She was disappointed to find her with some financial stuff. That wouldn't have put her in a good mood…. But Daisy decided to speak to her anyway. "Sophie, do you have a moment?"

"Sure, anything that gets me away from this…What's up?"

"Don't you think you might have been a bit hard on Shelby and Scott? She was really miserable today and it took quite some effort to talk her into a better mood…"

Sophie was silent for a moment. Then she sighed, "Peter asked the same question yesterday. I don't WANT to be on their case all the time, but I already turned a blind eye so often, that I'm really in violation of the school's rules. I think they'll survive two days on restrictions. Maybe you could drop them the hint to be a little more discreet? I mean, they could choose times and places, where I wouldn't have to run into them…"

Daisy was surprised by what she just heard. "Did you really tell me what I think you did?" That would mean that Sophie didn't have anything against Scott and Shelby making out…

"Of course I didn't! You're imagining things…" Sophie replied with a straight face, but she had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Daisy couldn't help it. She had to grin and shake her head. Then she went to dinner.

In the cafeteria. By now all the Cliffhangers knew about Shelby and Scott's restrictions. So as not to push one of them out of the group, Auggie, Juliette and David were sitting at Scott's table, while Ezra and Kat sat with Shelby. Daisy went to Shelby's table. Kat and Shelby were discussing whether or not they would have won the competition without Shelby's help.

"Look at the scores." Shelby was saying. "We won by 100 points. I contributed 85 points. If I hadn't played, you would still have won by 15 points."

"But if you hadn't played, the letters would have been distributed differently. We can't say what'd have happened then. Everything could have been different." Kat said, being reasonable.

"Kat's right, you know." Daisy joined the conversation. "It's like the butterfly effect in chaos theory."

"What's that?" Shelby had never heard of that.

"Chaos theory says, that if you change even a little bit of the setting, it can affect the result in a big way. Like a butterfly fluttering in Brazil. The air movement might lead to a hurricane in the final result." Daisy lectured.

"Isn't that how everything goes in life? You, or someone else for that matter, make a little mistake and everything builds up, until your life is completely fucked up?" Ezra seemed to have his insightful day.

"Exactly. That's why I always keep the butterfly in mind. As a metaphor for life. That brings to mind, I talked to Sophie and I think I saw a butterfly that could lead to a hurricane for you." She looked at Shelby when she said that. In response to the scared look she got, Daisy quickly added: "A positive hurricane, I mean. I'll talk to you later."

Shelby groaned. "You like to keep me waiting and wondering, don't you?" – "My favourite hobby.", Daisy grinned.

Just then Peter came up behind them. "Hurry up, group in two!", he announced cheerfully, pretending not to see everyone rolling their eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Thanks for your kind reviews, Linkie, Ghostwriter and 2008ccampbell!

Disclaimer: I don't own Higher Ground or any of the characters your recognize from the show. I do own Carla. (Forgot that in the last chapter. Don't sue me!)

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Everyone had gathered in the lounge for group. Finally Peter came in. "Time for group, guys. Does anyone want to discuss anything today?" He just got stares in response. "Ok, so everyone is going to say one thing that's on their mind right now. Ezra, could you start please?"

"I don't have much of a choice, right? Well, summer break. David."

"Sleep. Scott."

"Sunday. Shelby."

"A butterfly." When Shelby said that, Daisy, Ezra and Kat laughed, while everyone else looked confused. "Daisy."

"Sophie. Kat."

"Graduation. Jules."

"Scrabble. Auggie."

"Relativity."

"Ok, everyone. Now explain your choices.", Sophie commanded.

"I'm nervous of alternating between my parents' houses during summer break. I'm tired of being in the middle."

"I'm just plain tired.", David grinned. "Could you take group a bit more seriously?" Peter jumped in. "But that is on my mind right now!", David exclaimed. "Ok, go on Scott."

"I'm looking forward to Sunday, because I'll be able to talk to Shelby again.", he smiled at her when he said that, but shot an angry glare at Sophie just a second later.

"I'm worried about a butterfly, because today Daisy explained chaos theory and told me she had noticed such a butterfly that could cause a hurricane in my life. I'm nervous to find out what that is." Most of the others were still confused at that because they didn't know anything about chaos theory, but everyone wanted this group session to end so they didn't ask any questions.

"Sophie really surprised me today. I still have to wrap my mind around that." At that, Peter looked at Sophie, who kept her face blank.

"I'm nervous about graduation. I'll miss you all and I will have to cope with the outside world. I'm confident I can do it, but I know it will be difficult nonetheless."

"I'm happy we won at Scrabble today."

"We have to do a physics assignment about relativity. I've been thinking about it."

"Ok, everyone, go to your dorms now." Sophie ended group. "But before you go I have an announcement to make." Everyone stopped and looked at her expectantly. "On Tuesday we're going to go on a two day hike." She got groans from everyone. "Aren't you enthusiastic! Also, a friend of mine will come visit tomorrow, so don't worry if you see a strange woman on campus. Good night!"

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Leaving for their dorms, everyone stated speculating about Sophie's friend. Only Shelby dragged Daisy to the side and demanded, "Now tell me about that butterfly of mine!"

"Alright, alright, calm down. When you told me about your restrictions I went to Sophie, I told her that maybe she was a bit hard on you. Guess what she told me? She told me to tell you to be a little more discreet, to choose times and places where she doesn't have to run into you. Told me she didn't enjoy punishing you all the time. Do you know what that means? That she doesn't actually have anything against you two making out! Maybe she even turns a blind eye sometimes…"

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No! I mean you have to admit that it's pretty stupid to make out around lights out time. You were bound to be caught. You could just wait until later at night…"

"I wouldn't have thought that of Sophie. She always seemed to be such a stickler for the rules. Remember when we went to your mother's funeral?"

"When she wouldn't let us have coffee? Of course!" Both of them giggled at the memory.

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In the lounge. "Sophie, what was that all about? You having surprised Daisy?" Peter wanted to know.

Sophie grew a little uneasy. "Well, today she confronted me about Scott and Shelby's restrictions. When I told her to tell Shelby she just had to be more discreet, she seemed surprised." She knew that probably there was more to it, like her confiding in Daisy about her damage, and her feelings for Peter. That brought back to mind that she still hadn't told Peter. Maybe now was a good time? But no, she wasn't in a shape to take all these emotions right now. That'd have to wait for another day. She would tell him soon. But not today.

As if reading her thoughts, Peter started, "Sophie we have to talk."

She put on a smile and shut up her thoughts. "But we are talking!"

"About us, I mean. We can't avoid it forever." He sounded a bit frustrated.

"I know. I'm just not ready, ok? We should postpone that talk a bit. But I promise, we'll have it." Her voice sounded almost pleading. Peter sensed that something was hurting her, but he had to try, he wanted to know where he stood with her.

"You can't run away forever, Soph." At that , both of them knew that he was letting her off the hook. For now, at least.

A sigh. "I know. Tell you what, I promise we'll talk about it before summer break, alright? That's the best I can do."

"Promise?", he asked with the boyish half smile Sophie absolitely loved to see.

She had to smile back at him, but it was barely noticeable. She was still lost in thought. "Promise."

"Ok." He said, a bit calmer now. "Good night, Soph."

"Good night, mountain man."

The next morning, around seven, a car pulled up at Horizon. Out came Carlene Radzilovich. No one was there to welcome her. She knew they didn't expect her that early in the morning. Despite the early hour, some kids were already outside. A boy noticed her "Can I help you?" he asked politely.

"I hope so. I'm looking for Sophie Becker's cabin."

"Over there. The second cabin. So, are you that mysterious friend of Sophie's?" Curiosity was written all over his face.

She laughed shortly. "I didn't know I was mysterious, but yes, I'm a friend of hers. My name's Carla. Who are you?"

"I'm Ezra. I'm in Sophie's group, the Cliffhangers."

"Nice to meet you, Ezra. I guess I'll go looking for Sophie now."

"Yah right. Good luck, Carla."

She didn't go directly to the cabin. First, she looked around to familiarize herself with the terrain. Don't treat everything like it's enemy terrain! She scolded herself. But it never hurts to know where you are, right? Right. She finally arrived at Sophie's door and knocked. When Sophie opened she was surprised at who was standing in front of her door. She had expected a student. "Carla!" The two women embraced warmly. "How come you are here so early? I didn't expect you before afternoon!"

"I like to travel at night. That way, I have the roads to myself. Besides, arriving early in the morning, the whole day is still ahead of me."

"Let's go to the main building, I'll introduce you to Peter. And later also to my group."

"I already met one of the Cliffhangers. Ezra. He showed me your cabin. He seemed to be a nice enough guy. Didn't you say this is a school for oppositional children, even criminals?"

Sophie frowned. "That he is polite doesn't mean he isn't troubled. Besides, he has been here for a while and has come a long way."

"Sorry, I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that." She always thought she knew better than to judge a book by it's cover. No one is ever completely free of prejudices... Sophie's voice cut short her train of thought.

"So, care to tell me, why are you really here?" – "For our little competition of course!" A huge grin spread over her face and she even danced around, mimicking a little girl's behaviour.

"No really. You sounded worried on the phone. Are you ok?"

Sensing genuine concern, Carla decided to answer without sarcasm for once. "There's nothing wrong with me. But in August, I will have been with the Navy for eight years. That's a chance to retire with 25 percent of my pension. But I have to decide until Monday in ten days. I felt I needed to get away from it all to think about that decision properly. In San Diego, all kinds of people try to influence me. I have to get my head clear of that."

"I didn't think you would want to leave the Navy. You seemed happy with your position." Sophie was puzzled.

"So I put up a good front. Something like a year back, an injury practically confined me to boring paperwork. I'm just not cut out to sit in front of a desk all day. Still, I don't know what I would do after retiring. I have to think and that's why I'm here."

"Fair enough. I hope Mt. Horizon will help you." It had helped her to finally stay in one place and quit running away.

By now, they had reached Peter's office and went through the open door.

"Morning, Peter. This is my friend Carla. Carla, this is Peter, the school's headmaster."

When he turned around, both Peter and Carla gasped in shock. They couldn't believe who they were seeing…


	5. Chapter 5 Reverse Midas

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Higher ground or any characters from the show. I do own Carla.

**AN:** Thanks for your kind reviews, everyone!

Ghostwriter: I can't help you there. I tried it, but when you search for higher ground on msn, all you get are christian groups, that tell you to elevate your soul to higher ground...

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At seeing who the school's headmaster was, a painfully intense stream of contradicting feelings rushed through Carla. After the initial surprise she was consumed by a wave of joy and relief, for she had almost given up hope at ever seeing him again. But in less than a second the realization came crashing down on her: everything had just turned much more complicated. As anxiety began to creep into heart, she quickly averted her eyes, hoping that Peter couldn't read her feelings. Had she known that her face showed little more than shocked surprise, she would have been thankful for this small favour.

Carla was the first of the two to move again. She went closer as Peter began to move too and they shared a quick hug. "We meet again. I have to admit, I'm surprised.", Carla said with a genuine smile on her face.

Peter still wore a confused look on his face. "Same here.", he said.

Through all that, Sophie had watched silently. "So I take it you already know each other?"

"Yeah." Carla and Peter looked at each other. When she nodded slightly, he said: "We met when we both lived on the streets of Seattle." He seemed to be a bit uncomfortable.

In answer to a surprised look from Sophie, Carla explained: "A party with my superiors and colleagues is not the place to talk about a troubled past. The infighting in the Navy is complicated enough." Someone listening closely would have dected an apologetic note in her tone. But Sophie wasn't listening closely. Instead, her eyes jumped from Carla, to Peter and back at Carla. Could it be possible that these two...? She tried to fight the jealousy that was overcoming her, but wasn't very successful.

Watching Sophie, Carla quickly realized what was bothering her. She made a mental note to talk to her later, alone. Or maybe...maybe she could avoid the upcoming conflicts altogether? "If you have second thoughts about inviting me here, I'll leave, no problem. I don't want to disturb anyone." She saw that Peter was about to protest, but her eyes told him to shut up and he complied.

"Of course I don't want you to leave. I didn't tell you my whole life, either. I was just ... taken by surprise." Carla's offer had told her two things: one, she had been too quick to become jealous; two, her feelings had been obvious.

Now Peter jumped in. "You should really stay here. We have a lot of things to talk about. For example, why you disappeared from one day to the next..." He had clearly been hurt by that.

Carla turned to Sophie and joked: "See, that's why I offered you to leave right away. I'm not eager to face all this..." turning to Peter: "Do you have time now? We could talk later. I'm here for a week or so." She was loath to face the past, but knew that she had to do it. Besides, this would be the easy part.

"Do you want some privacy?" Sophie asked, sensing the growing tension.

Carla considered that for a second or two, then shook her head "As far as I'm concerned, you can stay." Only half joking she continued "it might be good to have a third party present, in case one of us suddenly feels the need to kill the other one."

Peter reluctantly agreed to Sophie's staying, too. He realized that now he'd have to talk about his relationship with Carla anyway.

"So, your question was, why did I disappear from one day to the next?" When Peter nodded, Carla continued. "Well, that's easy. I was arrested. I spent the next ten months in one of these prison-booth-camp things they use for first offenders." She wore a sarcastic smile like a mask.

Both Peter and Sophie were immensely surprised by that. "I knew that you did a lot of shoplifting and stuff, but ten months...?", Perer asked, but he actually wanted to ask: What did you do to deserve that?

Catching on to the implied question, Carla hesitated. Then: "You remember how I always used to get into fights? Well, that wasn't a problem as long as I fought with people living on the street too. After we were done fighting, each would crawl back into whatever crack in the pavement we came from and lick our wounds. But one day, there was this girl...; I don't know, I should have noticed earlier, I mean her clothes were just crumpled and dirty, not rags. Anyway, we got into an argument, something stupid; I think it was about a joint Shorty had just given me. You remember Shorty?" Peter nodded. Shorty had been a dealer, selling all kinds of drugs in Seattle. It wasn't something he liked to remember. "So, we got into an argument. I hadn't had a fight in a long time and was actually looking forward to it. She was high from whatever drugs she was on. Stupid verbal argument soon turned into fistfight. I don't think she had been in fights before. In the end, I had a few scratches, but I gotta admit, I beat her pretty bad. Like a few broken ribs and a lot of bruises..." there she was interrupted by the sound of Sophie gasping in shock.

Carla looked at Sophie, the left corner of her mouth drawn down. "Guess now you'll think twice about inviting someone you barely know." Her tone was hostile. She knew that everyone would hate her after hearing about her brutality. She had actually liked Sophie, wanted her as a friend...well, tough luck, girl! She told herself.

She turned to speak again. She had to get it out fast or she wouldn't get it out at all. "Anyway, that girl, her name was Jenny, went straight to Mommy and Daddy. Turns out she was a college student from a good family. She only came to our part of town for kicks. Next day, the police arrests me. That fast because Jenny recognized my mug shot. Also, I didn't think of running, I didn't think that fight was different from all the others I had been in. When they took me to the police station, they also found some pot on me and a wallet I had stolen some days earlier. I admitted having done everything I was accused of. The judge really looked surprised when I pleaded guilty; doesn't happen too often, I guess. Well, that's it." By now her face was devoid of emotions, so as not to show them how the last few minutes had hurt her.

In contrast to Sophie, Peter didn't seem too shocked by what he had heard. Something else was bothering him. "And you never even thought of notifying me? As far as I knew, you could have beeen dead!"

"Dear Peter, how do you think I should have 'notified' you? It's not like you owned a phone and I could have called you. It's not like anyone would have bailed me out and I could have told you. Besides, when I got out again, I went to Seattle, looking for you, but I couldn't find you. Also, if your worry got too much for you, I'm sure you had a lot of 'things' to help you." Her tone was mock serious.

Peter was speechless. Everyone in the room knew that Carla was hinting at his addiction to heroin and barbiturates. Sophie went to Peter and took his hand. She knew that especially after what happened not long ago, Carla's words must have hurt him. She was angry at Carla and angry at herself, for she felt responsible for this situation. "That was a low blow!", she hissed at Carla.

Before they could go on hurting each other, there was a knock on the door. Sophie called for whoever it was to come in, since Peter still seemed unable to speak. It was Ezra. He looked worried. When Carla felt his gaze on her, she turned to go. "I better give you some privacy." She said, smiling at Ezra. She was actually relieved to get out of this room. Going straight to her car, she knew that she had to face Peter sooner or later, but now that she knew where he lived, she could come back anytime. She felt guilty. It was pretty clear that Peter and Sophie were a couple, but they seemed to have some difficulties. She knew that she had just made everything even more complicated for them. It's the reverse Midas touch, she told herself. Everything I touch doesn't turn to gold but to ash.

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In Peter's office, Ezra noticed that Peter was tense and lost in thought, while Sophie stared at the closed door angrily. He thought about coming back later, when suddenly, Peter snapped out of it. "Do you want to talk to Sophie or to me?"

"Either of you is ok." Ezra said, confused. Carla had seemed nice when he met her earlier, but clearly she had a disturbing effect on both of his councellors.

Peter was already at the door. "Be back in a few.", he murmured.

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Carla was startled to hear footsteps coming after her. When she turned, she saw Peter. "Where are you going?", he shouted.

She couldn't look him in the eye, so she stared at the ground. Now, she wouldn't get away easily. He'd want to talk about everything. That's what he always told others to do, being a councellor. He had reached her and was standing in front of her. Still not looking up she spoke, barely above a whisper: "Back to San Diego. I should never have come here. I only do damage."

When Peter didn't say anything, she finally worked up the courage to look at him. You can't undo the damage you've done, but at least try! A voice in her mind cried. "I'm sorry for what I said to you. I'm sure you have come a long way and it couldn't have been easy. Sophie was right, it was a cruel thing to say. But I... I can't even say that I didn't mean it, or that I didn't want to hurt you." She couldn't bear looking into the face she had once loved, so she looked down again. "Because, as much as I want to say it, it'd be a lie. In that moment... I wanted to hurt you. ...I'm sorry. I know it's not much, but it's all I can do."

When she felt Peter's hand on her arm, she was surprised. Then she heard his soft voice: "It's ok. I understand." Suddenly she was angry again. "I'm not one of your students! Don't get all shrinky on me! Don't say anything you don't really mean!", she hissed at him.

Seeing that they had attracted quite a crowd, Peter turned to the students. "Could you give us some privacy?" Everyone knew that it was not a question, but a request. "Only yesterday you were happy to have this day off and to not have to see much of me." Reluctantly, all the students went back to what they were doing. To Carla, Peter said: "Let's go into an empty office and talk there."

Carla didn't think that was a good idea. As much as she tried, she couldn't keep a sarcastic smile out of her face. "Not good. In case you didn't notice, Sophie has a pretty good idea what our relationship was back then. I already made things complicated enough for you two; being alone in an empty office with you won't make anything any better. If you really want to talk, what about these picnic tables?"


	6. Chapter 6 Parents

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Higher ground or any characters from the show. I do own Carla.

**Linkie**: You will find out what Ezra wanted. But I'm afraid there's not much talking going on between Carla and Peter. You see, Carla doesn't want to talk...

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„Ezra, what happened?" Sophie tried to push all other thoughts away in order to concentrate on her student.

"I got a letter from my mother. She wrote that she was busy with several business trips in summer, so I'd have to spend all the time with my father..."

He looked as if he didn't know how to continue, so Sophie asked: "How do you feel about that?"

"When I first read it, I was actually relieved. I mean, I wasn't happy I wouldn't see my mother, but I wouldn't have to go back and forth between them, you know?" He looked at Sophie expectantly.

Having heard his concerns about that the day before in group, Sophie nodded. "I understand."

"But there was another letter. From my father..." Now, Sophie could see where this was going. "And he wrote almost the same. Very busy... a lot of things came up... have to spend the summer with your mother..." He looked out of the window forlornly. "Now I have nowhere to go."

"Do you want to call them, tell them about the situation, and try to work at least some visits into their schedules?"

"I don't know. If I do that, each of them will start blaming the other. They will probably work something out, if only to show that they are better than the other 'parental unit'. But I'm not sure whether I even want to spend time with them. I mean, with them angry at each other, standing between them will be even worse than I thought before."

"You don't have to call them if you don't want to. Just give it some thought, ok?"

"Well, the alternative is staying here, right?" – "Right." – "I'll give it some thought." He sounded listless.

Sophie thought she had to lighten up the atmosphere. "Hey, you make it sound like staying here was the end of the world! You wouldn't be the only one, you know.I know for sure that Daisy's staying here, too. Her father's still in rehab."

A smile was in Ezra's voice when he replied, "Maybe it won't be the end of the world, after all."

"Could you please decide within the next week whether or not you want to call your parents?"

"All right. Can I ask something else?" When Sophie nodded, he continued, "What's up with her?", pointing his thump at the door, "I mean, when I came in here, I could have cut the tension with a knive, it was so thick. But when I met her this morning, she seemed real nice."

At that, Sophie had to smile. Deja vu, she thought. "She said the same about you. That you were nice." A shrug. "I don't really know what's up. I don't know her so well. For sure I didn't know that she knows Peter." She looked at Ezra questioningly. "Are you ok? I'd like to look for them."

"No prob. I'll come back to you, when I've come up with a decision." With that, he left the office.

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Peter and Carla sat down at one of the picnic tables, facing each other. When Peter started to speak, Carla cut him off immediately, before he got out even one word. "Please, could you just give me some minutes of silence? I have to try and regain my balance."

Peter shrugged. "Sure, some minutes. Tell me when you are ready to speak."

Inwardly, Carla sighed in relief. The silence enveloping them was thick with tension; but still it was better than having to speak. The thoughts in her head were bad enough. They were running around in circles, changing too fast for her to really think about them; in short: they were getting her nowhere, they were only getting on her nerves. She new that she had to break the cycle. She began taking deep, slow breaths. Concentrated on her breathing. Pushed away every other thought, only breathing was important now…. She felt that she was getting calmer with every passing second. She was very aware of her own heartbeat now, her mind in a peaceful state.

After what seemed like hours but was actually just 5 minutes, Carla finally looked up. Peter took that as a sign that he could speak now. "You know, I really meant what I said to you. That I understand. When you're hurting, you sometimes want others to hurt, too. It's only human."

Looking into his eyes, she saw that he was sincere. "Alright, I overreacted. I'm just allergic to shrinks or anyone who behaves like them." Carla desperately needed a change of subject. "So your family name's Scarbrow?" Her voice had an amused undertone.

"Yeah, it's strange we didn't even now our respective names." Their period of silence had given Peter an opportunity to calm down, too. For the moment, staying with safe topics was ok with him.

"Nah, not so strange. I know close to nothing about you… wait, let me rephrase: I know nothing about you. It can't be much different for you right?"

"You're exaggerating. There are some things we know about each other."

"Sure. Just not much that still applies today – " suddenly she stopped speaking. She was looking at something behind Peter. When he turned around, he saw Sophie approaching. He couldn't read her face. Maybe Carla had been right with her remark before? He should try to speak with her – no, she just told him that she wasn't ready to talk, he would have to wait for her to start the talking.

Carla immediately jumped to the opportunity. "Hey, Soph! You want to give me the tour? I'd really like to see the wall we'll be competing at." She wore a friendly expression and a smile on her face, you wouldn't believe that not long before she had been quite distraught.

"Sure, come on."

The two women left without so much as another glance at Peter, who sat there feeling rejected.

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Daisy had been looking for Ezra. He hadn't talked to her all day, then she had seen him enter Peter's office. Something's definitely up, she thought. She had kept a close eye on the office door and when Ezra came out she followed him. When he finally sat down, leaning to a tree, she sat next to him. "What's up?"

"Daisy! You've been following me!"

"Yeah, so what's up?" she insisted.

"Why would there be something up?" he seemed a bit unnerved.

Her answer was predictable. "It's all in the cards. Besides, you've been evasive all day. So, what happened? Are you not going home in summer?"

Ezra was shocked. "How did you know? You eavesdropped?"

"Calm down. Just an educated guess. So I'm right?"

"Yeah. Both of them are too busy." He didn't have to explain who 'them' was. "Mother says to spend summer with father, father says to spend summer with mother. Looks like I have to stay here."

"I take it you aren't overjoyed with the prospect of having to endure my company during break?" Her voice sounded hurt.

"Daisy, really, it's not that…" he looked up to her grinning face and realized that her tone had been just a bit too hurtful to be serious. "Oh, god, you were just making fun of me! How could you!" But he couldn't help but grin at her.

"It worked, didn't it? Your mood just got better. Don't worry, we'll have fun here, too." She assured him.

"Alright, I believe you. Could we talk about something else? – By the way, I met Sophie's friend."

"Really? What's she like?" Daisy was as curious as most people are.

"She seemed nice. Asked me for directions to Sophie's cabin. Said her name's Carla. But there's something strange about her."

"Why do you think that?" She could virtually smell a good piece of gossip.

"When I went to Peter's office to tell him about my parents, she was in there with Peter and Sophie. There was a lot of tension between them. Peter and Sophie were standing next to each other, facing Carla. Peter looked confused, Sophie very angry. When I came in, Carla excused herself. Peter got all jumpy, asked if I had to talk specifically to him. When I said no, he ran out. Later, I asked Sophie what was up with Carla. She said she didn't know her too good, didn't know that she and Peter knew each other."

"I guess we'll find out." An idea had just come to Daisy's mind.

"And how will we do that? That evil grin of yours…you have a plan?"

That made her grin even more. "How about we ask her to take part in group? I'll bring my tarot cards…"


	7. Chapter 7 Tarot and Death

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of its original characters. I do own Carla.

**AN: **I know I'm not really a good writer. Just as a point of information: even if I don't get any reviews anymore, I will go on writing this. Otherwise, it will just occupy my mind forever… And. I'm. Not. Giving. Up. Now. (grinds her teeth)

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The tour Sophie was giving Carla had been uneventful so far. Both of them avoided talking about what had happened, Peter and the past in general. The small talk was mostly about the beautiful landscape and the weather up here.They thought this was a bit of a cliché, but it was a safe and therefore comforting topic.

"Do you have any idea how good it is to be in the mountains after living in the desert for so long? Before I came up here, I didn't even know what I was missing."

"I can imagine. San Diego isn't the most beautiful place on earth. Anyway, here's the climbing wall. Look good to you?"

"Perfect. When will we do it?" Some physical competition might do both of us some good, Carla thought.

Sophie had already thought about that. "Tomorrow. I want to invite the Cliffhangers and everyone else who wants to watch."

"So you like to have an audience?"

Sophie grinned. "Everyone will see your defeat..."

"We'll see about that." Ready for the challenge.

"Now, do you want to meet the Cliffhangers?"

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The Cliffhangers were at the picnic tables now, divided into the same groups as in the cafeteria the day before. Most of them were doing homework. Not only did they have to do the physics assignment, they also had math problems to solve and an essay to write. David wasn't really concentrating on his work. He mostly watched the others and looked around. Suddenly he cried out "Hey!"

"Shut up, Ruxton! Some people here are being productive." Scott wasn't in a good mood and David got on his nerves.

"No, look who's coming!" He had discovered Sophie and Carla. It wasn't an earthshaking discovery, but it rescued him from sitting amongst a bunch of silent people who wanted to 'be productive'.

"Hey guys! I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Carla. Carla, these are Scott, David, Juliette, Auggie, Kat, Ezra, Daisy and Shelby." Sophie said cheerfully.

Everyone said some kind of hello. Most of them were actually grateful for this interruption.

"Why are you here? Wanted to see what a school for rejects looks like?" David had decided to be obnoxious once again.

When she turned her attention to him, Carla realized that his goal was to be annoying, so she didn't take him seriously. "I came here in the hopes that these pure mountains and the infinite wisdom of the people here would help me elevate my soul to a higher level, preferrably directly into Nirvana.", she told him with the sweetest of smiles.

Everyone broke into unrestricted laughter. "See, Ruxton, no one's taking your crap, not even people who didn't know you before." Scott was delighted by Carla's quick comeback. David made a face and stalked off, now annoyed himself.

Meanwhile, Shelby had turned to Carla. "Aren't you a sarcastic one!", she said, grinning. "I already like you." – "Takes one to recognize one, right?"

"Not exactly true for sarcastic people, but yes, my fellow inmates here say I'm sarcastic.", Shelby confirmed.

"More than just sarcastic!" Juliette usually suffered the most from Shelby's remarks.

All the time, Ezra had tried to give Daisy signs with his eyes. She finally noticed and checked her pocket for her cards. "Now that we've discussed that, I've got a great idea.", she exclaimed, then waited until everyone's attention was on her. "Today is full moon. We're all together here. How about I read your cards?"

There were a lot of nods, the most enthusiastic from Ezra. "But if I get the tower again, I promise, I'll hurt someone." Shelby cautioned.

That settled, Daisy looked at Sophie and Carla. "How about you two?" Sophie started to speak, but Carla was first. "Are you any good?"

Daisy grinned. "You gotta ask the others. I don't read my own cards."

On that, Carla looked at the Cliffhangers questioningly. Finally, Shelby spoke up. "Good? I don't know. What she predicts comes true most of the time. But it's not always good."

"Alright, I'll see what the cards hold in store for me."

"So, you go first." Daisy and Ezra exchanged triumphant glances. Sophie caught on to that. "I'm smelling a conspiracy." – "Concpiracy? Me? You're imagining things." Her own words, thrown back at her, shut Sophie up.

Daisy shuffeled her deck, concentrated on Carla and then drew a card. "The Chariot." She showed the card around. "You experience a struggle with yourself or with life. With honesty and strength of will you'll pull through it.", she explained.

Carla wasn't surprised. "I already noticed the first part. I guess I'll see about the second part." Honesty, she thought, well you already knew that. It's just so damn difficult!

"Who's next? Scott, you up for it?" – "Sure, hit me."

"The hanged man. Associated with sacrifice or a period of waiting. But there's nothing you can do but accept it."

"I know." Scott growled and looked at Sophie angrily.

Daisy was amused. "Shooting death glares at Sophie won't help you, either."

"Don't worry, if looks could really kill, I would've been dead for years." – "Did you just volunteer to be my next victim, Sophie?" Sophie thought for a bit. "I normally don't do things like that. – But today's strange anyway, so I might as well see what the cards say."

"Alright – the Empress..." She hesitated and looked at Sophie, a bit concerned. "She's the Mother Goddess. She stands for unconditional love, fertility and defence of the weak. You'll probably experience a renewal of some kind."

Prepared by Daisy's concerned look, Sophie hadn't let any emotions show in her face. Only Carla and Daisy had noticed her flinching when she heard the word fertility. Sophie didn't comment on the card and Daisy moved on quickly.

"Shelby, you're up. I don't think you'll get the tower this time. – Ah, the Star. Your life is about to become brighter and easier. Life's forces won't stand in your way. You should concentrate on your strengths."

Shelby sighed in relief. "So, no dark clouds at my horizon..."

Daisy looked at her watch. "Anyone else want to have his cards read?"

Kat voluntered. "Soon, there'll be no one to read my cards, might as well enjoy it as long as I have you."

A smile was on Daisy's face when she saw the card. "The Universe. Stands for achievement. Your efforts are finally fruitful, you managed to put self-imposed obstacles out of your way. Congratulations!"

"Nice, nice! Searching for your fate! Read my cards, Daisy, I'm sure I get the lovers and we'll be a couple by tomorrow!" Unnoticed by everyone else, David had come back. But he wasn't the only one. A bit back, Peter was standing, watchng them.

"In your dreams! But I'll read your cards anyway..." Daisy drew a card. Then she paused and looked at it in concern. She remembered when she had drawn this card for herself... "It's Death. It can predict actual death or the abrupt ending of something, like a phase in life or a relationsship..."

David had become a bit paler, but he tried to overplay his anxiety. "So maybe it tells me that finally the part of my life is over that I have to spend without you by my side!", he said with a huge grin.

Daisy just shook her head and chose to ignore David's remark otherwise. Then she turned her attention back to Carla, who was about to leave with Sophie. "As much as we all enjoyed your smart comeback to David, his question still stands: Why are you here? I think we have a right to know."

This girl doesn't miss a beat. She noticed that I was evasive... but she is right, in a way. "I think you're right. Well, the reason I'm here is no big secret or anything; within the next week I have to decide whether or not I want to retire this summer. In San Diego there are a lot of people trying to influence me, so I remembered Sophie inviting me and also challenging me to find out who of us both can climb the climbing wall faster."

Daisy looked from Sophie to Carla and back to make sure this was serious. It seemed a bit childish to her... "A competition, huh? What are you retiring from, anyway?"

"I'm in the Navy. My 8-year contract ends in August. I have to decide whether I want to renew it or not." Before anyone could say anything, David unexpectedly joined the conversation. "Navy! You don't seem the military type!"

Carla chuckled. It wasn't the first time she got that reaction. "And what IS the military type?" – "You know totally straight, rule abiding, expecting everyone else to follow the rules, too, success oriented, definitely not believing in something like tarot cards." – "I wouldn't ask the cards for what to do in a military operation, but what I do in my private life has nothing to do with the Navy."

"What are you doing in the Navy? Sailing ships?" that was Auggie. – "No, I'm actually in the SEALs. But since I injured my eardrum last year, I've been analyzing satellite photos and converting them to maps soldiers can use in the field." – "Then, have you ever killed someone?" During these questions by Auggie, Peter came closer and closer.

Carla looked into the Cliffhangers faces. She saw curiosity, of course. She knew that some would despise her, but that was just like things were. "Yes, I have."

Silence. Then Daisy, always interested in death: "What does it feel like?"

Carla chose to try the sarcastic aproach once more. "Do you aim at being a psychatrist?", she asked, an amused expression on her face.

"No I want to work with dead people. So. Care to answer my question?" Daisy was undisturbed by this evasiveness.

Carla thought for a second. "I take it you want a real answer, not some generic 'Oh it's terrible but it has to be done', right?" On a nod from Daisy, she continued. "In combat, everything is fast. Your life depends on fast reactions, decisions made in a fraction of a second. What I want to say: in combat, there is no time for emotions. Emotions can cost you your life. I don't allow any emotions during combat. That means in the moment I killed someone, I usually didn't feel anything. But later, when I had some time on my own and started to relax, I would relive everything, every second of it. One of the strongest feelings usually was that of my own mortality. I never felt it so much as when I had killed someone. That I had to die too. That one day it would be me. It was as with every person I killed, I was a step closer to my own death, I felt a piece of me was dying with everyone of them."


	8. Chapter 8 Their very own worlds of pain

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of its original characters. I do own Carla.

**AN: **I'm sorry if my last AN sounded a bit angry, I'd had a bad day (isn't that just the best excuse ever?). I might be a bit confusing every now and then; bits and pieces of this story are already in my head, but connecting them is harder than I thought.

**Queen of Shadows: **Thank you so much! I admire your work and I can't describe with words how much your praise means to me. The idea of a beta-reader is basically a good one, but I'm not a native speaker and I don't know any native speakers of English, most people I know think I'm crazy for voluntarily writing something in English anyway; so I'm not seeing a beta-reader in my near future.

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All of the Cliffhangers went off to dinner soon, together with Peter and Sophie. But Carla wasn't hungry. Talks like this always left her feeling spent, beaten. She avoided them as much as possible. _You should have done that here, too, stupid! Why didn't you? WHY? God, I'm already talking to myself! That's what emotional stress will do to you…right, remembering some psychatrist's teachings won't help me, either. I'm kidding myself, of course. It was Daisy, no doubt about that. Her seriousness, her interest, the fact that she recognized my evasive tactics for what they are… I felt I had no choice but being honest. Still, you could have told her you didn't want to talk about it – stop! Damnit, stop this useless musings! No use crying over spilt milk and all that. Now, go into the woods, look at the beautiful nature and RELAX! If you're already worked up like that, how will you ever survive the next weeks?_

Following her own advice, Carla took a walk. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny with just a light breeze. As she concentrated on her surroundings, her worries and her anxiety started to become background noise; they were still there, but distant, barely noticeable. She let the sounds of nature flood into her mind, once again marvelling at the way everything seemed to harmonize. The harmony of birds singing, leafs rustling in the wind and all the other sounds of a forest was something a good componist may reach, but not surpass in his works. _But no, it's not just the sounds. Never underestimate the influence smells have on your perception of your surroundings. Wood, flowers, mushrooms…_she sniffed…_even decay. Yet it all belongs together. Not to forget the visual image, of course. A forest would be much less than it is without it's colours._ She smiled. _Enjoy it as much as you can, girl, soon you'll be back in the desert…_

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When Carla reached Sophie's cabin again, the door was still locked. So she took the key from the spot Carla had showed her in the morning and went in. _Remember talking to her when she gets back! But first, you need a shower, you stink._

She took a very long shower, the water turned to the hottest she could endure. As the steam in the bathroom got thicker and started to swallow her up, she felt comforted, like she always did in a hot shower. She didn't know why she felt like that; if you looked at it rationally, a shower isn't safer than most other places. But this reaction was a fact, and she used it. When she finally felt she should get out of the shower, she turned the water cold. After all, her mother had always told her that this would strengthen her immune system. While she towelled herself and enjoyed the feeling of warmth coming back to her skin, she heard the front door being opened. Sophie was coming. Carla quickly dressed in some casual clothes and left the bathroom.

"Hi Sophie. I'm afraid I just doubled your water consumption for this month. Just send me the bill." Carla said in a joking tone.

Sophie rolled her eyes. "Sure. As long as you opened that door, you can pay all my other bills, too." The deadpan manner she delivered that sentence with made Carla chuckle. But then Sophie said something that instantly brought back her seriousness. "Carla, we need to talk."

"I don't think we **need** to talk, but I understand and will honor your wish to talk with me about whatever you want to talk about. But maybe we should go sit down instead of standing here in the hallway?" On that, they went into the living room and made themselves as comfortable as possible on the sofa.

Sophie started. "You and Peter. Were you a couple?"

"What did he tell you?" _I'm not stalling. I'm merely asking…as a point of information. Yes, that's it._

"I didn't ask him yet." That got her a raised eyebrow from Carla and: "I won't ask why." _At least not right now. _"I guess I could tell you that it's none of your business, but yes, you could say we were a couple."

"I thought so." Sophie gave the impression of not knowing what else to say, so Carla added: "And now, you are together with him." Sophie's face betrayed pain, uncertainty. Noticing that, Carla continued: "But there are problems between the two of you?"

Tentatively, Sophie began: "I was just wondering…" her voice faded, not sure if she should really say this. Carla decided to make it a bit easier on her. "You were wondering if I had ideas to…revive the past?" she said with a slight grin. "I saw your reaction when Peter told you that we knew each other back then."

A slight blush came to Sophie's face, showing her emberassment. "I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I also get jealous fast… So I take it you're not going to **revive the past**?"

"I have no intention whatsoever of doing that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I take it your relationship is pretty serious?" As Sophie didn't comment, she continued. "More serious than what I had with him." There was a certain finality in her voice, as if what she had just said was a law of nature, nothing to be doubted.

Sophie looked at her in surprise. "How can you be so sure about that?"

"Back then, we lived in the present, without a past or a future. We never talked about what we did before we met. We never made any plans. There was never undying, I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you love between us. We could never have lived a normal life together. You on the other hand; I got the impression that you have a future together." She looked at Sophie, waiting for a confirmation of what she had just said.

But Sophie still had other things on her mind. "What makes you say that you couldn't have led a normal life with Peter?"

Carla sighed. "I'm not an easy person to live with, period. I need my personal space, and a lot of it. I don't know if you can understand that, but every time I had vanished for a few days and he asked where I had been, every time I had been absent-minded and he asked what I had been thinking; every time something like that happened, I would hate him for asking, for intruding. I could also tell that he hated me for telling him to mind his own business, for asking him to give me some space. He didn't understand. Had we ever really tried to have a long-term relationship, it would probably have ended in a disaster." She shrugged. _That's in the past. _"But you didn't answer my question. Do you have plans for the future?"

Sophie had started fidgeting uneasily. She wasn't sure what to say. When in doubt, try the truth… "He…" Was she really going to say that? Yes, she was. "He asked me to…marry him."

Carla sensed there was more to that, so she waited for Sophie to go on. Both of them were silent for a while. "I – told him no. But when he asked me no, period or just not now, I told him just not now."

"So the next move is on you. I certainly don't envy you for that. It's also why you didn't ask him, but me, right?" Sophie nodded. "I hope you don't mind my asking; but, you and Peter, it feels so…right. What's the problem? Fear of commitment?"

Anger flashed in Sophie's eyes, but she tried to stay calm. "That's none of your business!"

Carla nodded. "It's none of my business, alright." These words, in a calm voice, reminded Sophie of the beginning of their talk. _I could tell you that it's none of your business,_ Carla had said. But still she had answered. Maybe she owed her to answer now, too? Meanwhile, Carla spoke again. "If you're telling me to drop the issue, I will, of course. I won't ask again."

That caught Sophie by surprise. She had expected Carla to be pushy. Apparently, the surprise had registered in her face, because Carla answered her unasked question. "I don't like being pushed to answer questions I don't want to answer. Personal space, remember? So I try not to push others, either. Sometimes I forget, but I try."

Sophie pondered that for a moment. Maybe it was a good idea to tell Carla? She had to tell Peter sooner or later, maybe saying it would become easier when she said it more often? "Can you promise me not to tell anyone what I'm going to tell you? Especially not Peter."

Carla nodded solemnly. "Just between you and me."

"I would have to tell him… and then he wouldn't want me anymore…" Sophie hesitated.

Carla was about to ask _Tell him what, _when it suddenly struck her. She thought back to this afternoon, a familiar pain tugging at her heart. _Fertility. She flinched when Daisy said fertility. Could it be that? _In a soft voice, she said: "You can't have children. Is it that?" _Shit. You could have been a bit more sensitive. _

Sophie gasped in shock. "How did you… how…" But then she remembered the tarot session and didn't need an answer anymore. She tried not to show her pain when she said, "You can't understand. **You** can have children."

Sophie's words cut into Carla's heart like a chainsaw. She felt her teeth clench as she remembered Robin's birth, her blood everywhere, and then the doctor telling her…_ No, Stop! Don't go there, don't remember that…. STOP! DON'T … REMEMBER …THAT!_

Sophie and Carla were both lost in their very own worlds of pain, that were so similar but put them miles apart in that moment. Both of them were completely oblivious to what the other one was feeling. Sophie was the first to snap out of it. In the past few weeks she had felt this pain so often and although it wasn't any easier to bear, she now managed not to completely lose herself, not to be as swallowed up as Carla was.

Sophie looked at Carla, curious, because she had expected her to say something. What she saw surprised her. Every muscle of her body tense, her jaws clenched, her face looking withdrawn, Carla seemed to be oblivious to her surroundings. "Carla?" She didn't react, so Sophie touched her hand.

The touch sent her jumping up and stumbling backwards. She looked around as if seeing the room for the first time. She remembered the conversation they just had and allowed her body to relax; only now noticing how tense she had been. _You can't let yourself slip away like that! Try to exercise some self-control, will you? _"I'm sorry, Sophie, I didn't mean to hurt you. I know it must be terrible for you…" _At least my voice didn't shake…_

Sophie was still mystified by Carla's behaviour. "What did I just miss? You **do** have a son."

"Yes, I do. And I'll be eternally grateful for having him. But when I… when Robin was born… I had to have a caesarean and…. And something went wrong, apparently…. I had to have a hysterectomy immediately after…. I don't pretend to know how it's for you, but it's not exactly a day on the beach for me either. Most of the time, I allow myself to forget about it…so, when something reminds me, it tends to blow me off my feet." The last part came out rather matter-of-factly.

Sophie opened and closed her mouth a few times, not sure how to say this. "I'm sorry. I…I guess I'm stupid, but I really had the thought, that because I can't have children, he would take you over me…"

"And now you're relieved?" In the embarrassed silence that followed, something suddenly jumped into Carla's lap. "Huh, little one, are you always so fast to trust people?", she said to the cat that lay on her legs, curled into a ball of fur and purred softly.

"Usually, Lizzy is careful around strangers. She must really like you. About what you said…that you mostly forget about it…you know, that's not healthy."

"I know. But most of the time, I don't react as strongly as today. Mostly, I try to see the positive things, try to be grateful for having Robin." A sigh. "If Peter would really run from commitment, when you told him, he's not worth your love and all your worries. But I don't think he'd do that. He'd be a fool to let you slip through his fingers."

"You really think so?" Carla nodded, a lazy smile on her face that looked like she was in peace with herself and the world. _I wonder how that works. Stroking a cat always lightens my mood so much, it's incredible. Aw, crap, you're just being moody and searching for excuses, that's what's incredible._

"But I don't know how I'm gonna tell him." Sophie's face showed a worried frown.

"That's hard, I know. But the sooner the better, I guess. You worry less, then."

The change in atmosphere that had taken place was hard to believe. At the beginning of their talk, the two women had been antagonists more than anything else. Now, both of them were fairly relaxed and giving advice to each other. If only everything in life could be resolved by an hour of talking….


	9. Chapter 9 He'll always stay with us

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of its original characters. I do own Carla.

**AN: **In case you were wondering: starting with the next chapter, I will work in the Cliffhangers a bit more. I don't know whether the Khmer Rouge really left a lot of mines in Cambodia, but Encarta tells me there's an unknown number of mines in that country, so I just assume they did (artistic license, right?). Also, I'm not sure Robin's behaviour really fits his age (9), I don't have a lot of experience with children.

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The next morning, Carla and Sophie went running together. When they reached the point Sophie usually turned around at, she challenged Carla. "Race you back to the cabin? Loser makes breakfast."

Carla grinned, sure she'd win. "Alright. One…. Two…. Three!" And off they went.

Carla reached the cabin first. When she turned around to face Sophie, she also didn't breath as hard as her. "Not bad for someone who runs just to keep fit!"

"Ha, ha, very funny. You don't run professional, either, do you?" Sophie didn't like losing.

"I don't run professional, no; but I used to run with forty pounds on my back and I still run with weights most of the time. I also run every marathon that's not too far away. You ever tried that?"

"Marathon? No." – "You'd probably manage even without additional training. With training, you could get a good ranking. You should try."

"Maybe I will, someday. Do you want your eggs scrambled?" – "Yes, please. And could I use your telephone? I want to call my son." – "Of course, go ahead. I'll call you when breakfast's ready."

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Telephone ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hi Cerise, Carla here. How are you?"

"Fine, just fine. I'm glad to have Robin here. It makes me feel young again."

"You're not that old!"

"Yes, I am. I guess you want to speak with the little one? – I'll put him on."

"Thanks."

… … …

"Hi, mama!"

"Good morning, Rob. Did you sleep well?"

"No… I had a nightmare!"

"Bad?"

"Very bad! I saw,…. I saw Daddy falling into a void and I was standing next to it and I couldn't help him and I couldn't reach him, he was just falling and falling and falling, and I tried to go after him, and I couldn't…"

"Oh, dear, that must have been bad. Didn't you wake up?"

"Yeah, I did, and then I wanted to get up and see if Daddy's alright, and then…" Carla heard quiet sobs. "…and then I remembered he wasn't there anymore; and everything wasn't a nightmare, but it was true…"

Silent tears had started to run down Carla's cheeks. "I know, Robin, it's very hard. Did you tell your grandmother about the dream?"

"No, I wanted to tell you – mama, what happened to Daddy?"

"He died."

"But why? It's unfair!"

"Yes, it is…"

"Why! I wanna know what happened!"

"Right now?"

"Yeah, I want to know!"

Making a conscious effort not to let her voice tremble, Carla answered. "He stepped on a mine – " Here she was interrupted.

"A mine? Where they get gold out of the earth?"

"No, a land mine. That's a bomb they put in the earth. When someone steps on it, it explodes."

Silence. Then. "Are they everywhere? Are they here?" His voice was frightened. Only now did Carla notce that tears were streaming down her face.

"No, there aren't any in America."

"So why did Daddy step on them?"

"What do you know about Cambodia?"

"It's in Asia. People are poor there. Something called Khmer Rouge…"

"You know a lot."

"Daddy taught me." That gave her another stab right into the heart.

"The Khmer Rouge aren't there anymore, but they were bad people and they also put these mines into the earth. Daddy went there to destroy the mines."

"But why did he go there?"

"It was his job. He was a specialist and he wanted to destroy them so kids could go out playing safely again."

"So he helped save children?"

"Yes, he did. Every mine he destroyed is a bit more safety for the people there."

"But it's unfair he died!" That he said forcefully, almost as if he hoped that if it was unfair, it couldn't be true.

"I know it is, Robin, but sometimes life isn't fair." _More like most of the time. – Don't think like that, it's depressing!_

"How can we live without him?"

The answer she gave, in a gentle voice, was something she told herself almost every day. "We don't live without him, Robin. As long as we remember him, a part of him will always be with us. Only if we forget, he will be gone completely."

"I will always remember Dad!" Carla almost smiled at the sincerity in his voice.

"I'm sure you will, Rob. Are you ok? Should I come back earlier?"

"No, mama, I'm alright. I like it here with grandma. … Good bye!"

"Bye, Rob!"

When she put down the phone, Carla realized that her right hand was clenched into a tight fist. She willed her fingers to open, which was pretty difficult as they seemed to be frozen into their position. After they finally obeyed her brain's commands, she discovered that her nails had left bloody cuts in the palm of her hand. _I forgot to cut them. Again. _She turned to go to the bathroom and wash the blood from her hand, but froze when she saw Sophie standing in the doorway. She felt her face go hot. She was furious at Sophie for listening, for seeing her like this. But her fury was soon covered by resignation. _…to bear what we can't change…_

Apparently, the emotions had shown on her face, because Sophie snapped out of her petrified state. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't want to eavesdrop, I just came to tell you breakfast is ready -" Just then she noticed the silent tears still streaming down Carla's face. "Oh my, can I help you somehow?"

The answer was accompanied by a sad smile. "How about turning back time or … making him alive again?"

"I'm afraid I'm not able to do either of that. But if you want to talk about it…"

A sigh. Then a shrug. "There's not much to talk about. I always knew he had a risky job. I mean, both of us did. We had to expect death anytime. But when it hit, it was still unexpected and… painful beyond belief. … and then Robin…" She drew in a shaky breath. "Robin was very close to Rich. I mean he's close to me, too, of course, but it was not like in some families, where there's barely any relationship between father and children. ….. Before today, he never asked how it happened. It's hard – hard to see him in pain."

"What you told him, about part of his father staying as long as he remembers; I thought that was really beautiful."

"It's what I believe. – I don't think I should stay for a week now. I'll leave Tuesday evening. Is that alright with you?"

"Of course. – Do you want to have breakfast now?"

Carla paused, contemplating whether she would be able to eat anything. "Yes, alright. And then I need to go for a run."

Sophie frowned at that. "A run? But we just had one."

"I know. But some solitude, only trees around me and physical exercise is what I need right now.", Carla stated matter-of-factly.

"You know, you can't run away from your problems."

"I'm aware of that. Problems are like your shadow, they always stay with you. But if you run with your face to the sun, you don't see them."


	10. Chapter 10 Edible

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of it's original characters. I do own Carla.

**Queen of Shadows: **Thank you for your review! I hope you soonupdate your stories, especially Memories (but I can understand if you're too busy...)

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When Sophie entered Peter's office, he was already there, reading in some files. She watched him for a little while. Was Carla right? Did he love her enough to marry her although she couldn't get kids? She was still afraid of what his reaction would be, but slowly her resolve to talk to him got stronger.

While Sophie was lost in thought, Peter looked up, wondering why whoever had come into the office didn't do or say anything. "Morning, Sophie. Where's Carla?"

"Gone for a run." Sophie tried to see whose file Peter was reading. "Kat? Is there a problem with her? I thought everything was going fine."

"Everything **is** going fine with her. It's just that she leaves soon and I have to write a final evaluation. And recommendation letters for her college applications. But why has Carla gone for a run? I thought I saw you two running together this morning."

"She said she needed to be alone right now, only surrounded by trees. Apparently that's her way of dealing with emotional stress." She wasn't sure if she should talk to Peter about what she had accidentally listened in on.

But of course, Peter didn't leave it at that. Who would? "Emotional stress?", he asked.

Sophie sighed. "She called her son this morning. I told you she was a widow, right? Well, today her son wanted to know exactly how his father had died. I accidentally came in when she was still on the phone. She was weeping all the time and she had clenched her hand into such a tight fist, her palm was bleeding when she finally opened it."

Peter furrowed his brow and finally asked: "Do you think she's okay?"

"I think she'll handle it. But she definitely didn't like the fact that I saw her like that."

"Alright…. I didn't ask you yesterday…what was the matter with Ezra?"

"Parents. Both of them sent letters explaining they wouldn't have time this summer and he couldn't stay with them. Maybe he will call them, explain the situation, try to work something out. But after I told him that Daisy would stay here during summer break, he started to seriously consider that option, too." The last part she said with a slight grin.

"Sophie! We're not supposed to – "

"We're not supposed to encourage romantic relationships, I know. But it doesn't really seem like that's what they have."

Peter considered that. "True."

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Carla had been running for a while now, at the fastest pace she could endure for a longer time. She needed to really exhaust herself now. When she felt the endorphins kicking in, a little voice in the back of her head started to talk to her. _You should feel ashamed, you know! That's not much better than an addiction! The body's own drugs, runner's high, however you want to call it. _These thoughts were enough to make her lose her rhythm, stop and cough. _Dammit, what am I supposed to do otherwise? _Suddenly, the image of her bleeding hand this morning jumped into her head but she was quick to put it back into a dark corner of her mind. Trying not to think too much, she looked around. Not far from where she was standing, the trees seemed to stop. She went into that direction and soon realized that she was close to a cliff.

Standing at the very edge of the cliff, looking down the steep wall of rock. Trying to imagine the sensation of falling. _Such a small step between life and death…_ Footsteps. _DANGER! Standing at the edge of a cliff plus footsteps behind you equals someone might push you down! _Still she didn't move, didn't turn around. It was beautiful here…

"You know, contrary to what most people think, death is not a transitional stage to something else. When you die, that's it. The end. Nothing more."

Carla still didn't turn around, but let out a small laugh. "Daisy, right?"

"You looked like you thought about jumping. I never go that close to the edge." Daisy was shuddering.

"I thought about jumping, right. But I didn't plan on killing myself."

"Do you think you can jump down here **without** killing yourself?" That was another voice. Carla finally turned around to see Shelby next to Daisy. She also took a step away from the cliff just to be safe.

"I may have some illusions, but that's not one of them. I said I **thought** about jumping; I didn't **plan** on doing it. Just imagining what the falling would feel like."

Daisy had to grin at that. "Morbid, much?"

"Isn't everyone, every now and then?"

Shelby rolled her eyes. "Do you **have **to talk about suicide? Never thought I would say this, but right now, I'd rather listen to Juliette at her most perky than to **this**."

_Better not drive any students here crazy, or Peter will kick your butt out of here faster that you can say sorry. _"Of course we don't have to. I think I'll head back to campus. You coming?"

Daisy grimaced. "We'd really like to, but we have to do this assignment for our biology class. Finding edible plants. - Wait a minute, isn't that something you could help us with? I don't know what to do."

Carla wagged her finger at them. "Now, that would be cheating, wouldn't it? Besides, it's unfair to your classmates, who don't have any help."

Daisy and Shelby looked at each other. Then Shelby spoke. "Uhh, we're the only ones having to do that. We were caught swapping private notes during class…"

"Well, in that case… Why not. As long as you don't tell Peter…"

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Meanwhile, Scott was looking for Shelby. Today they were allowed to have contact again, and she was nowhere to be found. He didn't understand. Maybe she didn't want to see him? Maybe these to days had been a welcome opportunity for her to get out of their…relationship? Now that he thought about it, he realized that yesterday, she hadn't seemed angry at all about their situation. While he had glared at Sophie, Shelby had just sat there…even smiling, he remembered now. With his thoughts running that way, he became almost panicky. That's why he jumped when someone suddenly tapped on his shoulder.

"Don't get an heart attack because of me, Scott."

When he turned around, he saw Kat. "If you're looking for Shelby, don't waste your time here. She and Daisy went into the woods."

"What? Why?"

"Peter reminded them that they'd better get their biology assignment done if they don't want to be in trouble."

Scott's relief was visible. "Thanks, Kat!", he called over his shoulder, already heading towards the woods. So, she wasn't avoiding him. But she could have come to see him and tell him where she was going. Why didn't she? Similar thoughts were running through his head while his feet took him through the forest and he listened for the girls' voices.

Finally Scott thought that he could hear Shelby's voice. As he came closer, he realized that there were three voices, not two. Who was with them? Now he caught sight of them and instantly recognized Sophie's friend. But he couldn't remember her name. He decided to move closer quietly and surprise them.

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Carla and the girls were standing by a bush with small, dark green leafs and beautiful red berries. "This one, never eat the berries. They won't kill you, but the stomach cramps you'll get aren't exactly pleasant. The leafs on the other hand, are very nutritious. They are a bit hard, though; so you have to chew them for – " There was movement behind them.

Quickly, Carla turned around, but relaxed when she saw who it was. "Hi, Scott. Wanna join this little lecture?", she asked with a smile.

"Sure, why not. But I gotta admit, I forgot your name."

Carla barely had a chance to answer: "It's Carla.", when Shelby went to Scott for a kiss, a huge smile on her face. To her surprise, Scott took a step back and held out his hands to stop her.

"What's the matter?", she asked, unsuccessfully trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

"You want some more restrictions?" Scott cast a meaningful glance towards Carla.

Carla realized that she posed a problem for the young couple. _Wait, yesterday, they didn't seem like a couple. Oh, maybe these 'restrictions', whatever they are… _"Daisy, I saw the next plant I want to show you over there. Let's go." And she turned her back to Scott and Shelby.

Scott wore a look on his face that clearly said 'What the hell…?'.

Shelby just grinned. "She's cool."

Then she finally got her kiss.


	11. Chapter 11 No understanding

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of it's original characters. I do own Carla. And Robin. And Cerise, and Richard.

**AN: **Thanks to everyone who took the time to review! One of these days, I mentally checked everything I want to happen in this story and I realized that I'm not even halfway through. I hope you'll stay with me, though!

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Later that evening, when it was already dark, Carla was sitting in the gazebo, waiting for Peter and Sophie to join her. Staring into the flickering fire, she thought back to the afternoon. Sophie had won their little competition. Not that this was unexpected. After all, Sophie had a lot more practice, living here in the mountains like she did. Still, Carla had to admit to herself that she was disappointed. _Stop being so childish,_ she chided herself. _At least you won the little race this morning._ That thought made her wince. This morning hadn't been exactly painless. Of course she had always known that there would come a day when Robin would want to know more about Richard's death. But she had allowed herself to forget about it. She had told herself to cross that bridge when she came to it. So, this morning she had been taken by surprise. _And over the phone! It would have been better to tell him in person, be there for him. Or maybe not. He needs me to be strong for him. Crying in front of him just wouldn't do. I just hope he is okay…_

"Is the fire that interesting?"

Carla looked up to see Peter standing there. "Sure. If you stare into it long enough, you start seeing things."

"Ugh. I don't even want to know."

"So where's Sophie?"

"She's in the girls' dorm. That gives us some time alone. We have some catching up to do."

"Catching up?" Carla raised her eyebrows.

"You said it yourself yesterday. We don't know anything about each other. Time to change that."

_Didn't you just say you didn't want to know what I see in the fire? That **is** something about me! _Carla screamed in her mind. But she decided to play along anyway. "Yeah, why not. So what did you do before you ended up in Seattle? You sound east coast to me."

"Wall Street. I worked in my father's company."

That was a surprise. "Really? I don't doubt you have the intelligence, I just didn't think you were into money."

Peter shrugged. "People change. So what about you?"

"I got a BA from UCLA. Even started for my master's."

"What subject?"

"East Asian Studies and Japanese."

"Double Major?" Carla nodded. "Wow."

"Just because I fucked up my life at one point doesn't mean I'm uneducated." There was resentment in her voice.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'd be impressed at anyone who studied these subjects, especially as a double major. By the way, do you still cut?"

That got her attention. "What?" _Does my mind play tricks on me? He can't have asked what I thought he did. That's completely off the subject!_

"You thought I never noticed?"

"No. I just didn't think you'd bring it up." _I obviously was delusional…_

"Well, I didn't think you'd bring up my drug use either."

"Oh, so this is payback? Why did you react so much anyway? Sophie obviously already knew about it, so that couldn't have been your concern…"

"I…uh…some weeks ago I had a relapse…" He looked ashamed and embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you alright now?"

"Yes, more or less. But you didn't answer my question."

_So much for my ability to successfully change the subject… _"No I don't. I stopped when I noticed I was pregnant. I did cut…twice after Robin was born, but not for four years now."

"Really?" Peter managed to put a lot of doubt in his voice.

The implied accusation made Carla angry. So angry in fact, that she didn't dare to speak. She was sure that if she opened her mouth only obscenities would come out. So she clenched her teeth and stared in the fire.

To Peter, this reaction looked a lot like guilt. "Show me your arms." He said in a commanding tone.

Carla looked at him incredulously. "Just who do you think you are? I'm not one of your students. I don't lie deliberately. I accepted your word that you are okay after your last relapse. Why can't you accept my word?"

"Don't understand me wrong… Sophie told me you had a lot of…stress this morning. She told me you clenched your fist so hard you got your palm bleeding…"

_Take some deep breaths, stay calm._. She looked at the scabbed over cuts in her right palm. "Alright, I can see where this is coming from. But this morning…it was a completely unconscious reaction. I only noticed when I ended the call. It doesn't have anything to do with cutting."

"So, if you have nothing to hide, why not show me your arms?" Peter was very insistent.

Giving in, Carla slowly pushed the sleeves of her sweater up to over her elbows. _God, this feels so humiliating…why am I actually doing this? Oh, yeah I know, it wouldn't do to get completely on Peter's bad side… _Then she turned her arms around so he could see every side of them. "Satisfied?"

Peter got a bit closer to look at the arms. They were covered with old scars, some prominent, some barely visible. But nothing that looked recent. But then…"What's that?" He pointed to a big scar on her left forearm. I didn't look like a cut…

She traced the scar lightly with her fingertips as she answered. "'That' is from a bullet. It only grazed me, so it wasn't anything serious."

"Listen, I'm sorry. It wasn't about payback. I was really concerned." Only honesty was in his voice, as well as in his eyes. His eyes…his face was close to hers. Almost uncomfortably close. Almost as if…_No, he isn't going to kiss me, right?_ He came even closer. _Yes, he is!_ A short moment of panic. _How should I react? – Well, why not just go along with it and enjoy? You haven't had a real kiss for…uh, don't think about that._ So she closed her eyes and waited for his lips to touch her own. Behind her closed eyelids, an image of Richard emerged slowly. His intense, dark eyes, his curly hair, his full lips… Then her lips met his. And she was shocked. _That's not Richard!_ She opened her eyes just to see Peter's face up close. _What the hell did you get yourself into?_ She put her hands flat on his chest and pushed him away.

Peter stumbled back, gasping in surprise. "What's the matter?"

_Isn't that obvious?_ "The matter is, that it's not a good idea for us to kiss each other. I am married and you are in a steady relationship."

Peter looked at her strangely. "You are not married, you are widowed. And I –"

Without thinking, Carla drove her fist into his gut. With a certain satisfaction she watched as he doubled over in pain and gasped for air. "Thank you **very** much for reminding me of that. It's not like I am painfully aware of my situation every day, hell, every hour of every day, isn't it?" Her voice was full of sarcasm, trying to hide just how deep Peter's remark had cut.

Peter felt as if all the air was expelled from his lungs. He knew that his remark had been a little insensitive, but he hadn't expected this. He had never been able to fully understand her; and now it became clear that this wouldn't change. When he was finally able to breathe again, he looked at Carla. He saw only anger. He knew that he was on thin ice, so to speak, but he had to ask the question that just popped into his mind. "So did our relationship never mean anything to you?"

Carla stared into his eyes, almost as if she didn't look **at** him, but **through** him. Finally her anger evaporated as she realized that he was actually insecure, asking this question. She sat down again and sighed heavily. "Peter, back then, meeting you was the best thing that could have happened to me. But it was never meant to last forever. The way we never talked about our pasts, the way we never made plans for the future, the way I took notice of your drug use but didn't really care, the same with you and my cutting." She shook her head. "You gotta admit that we never really understood each other. And this evening has just shown that that isn't likely to change. We just don't fit. Your relationship with Sophie on the other hand…why would you want to throw it away so easily?"

"We…have some problems." Peter said tentatively.

Carla almost laughed at that. "Yes, I can see that, I'm not blind. But I, personally, think that you probably wouldn't propose marriage to a woman you didn't really love."

Peter was shocked. "She…she told you?"

Carla nodded, her face getting serious. "So why did you just try to kiss me?"

Peter stared at her as he realized that he couldn't think of any reason. "This is going to sound real strange, but I don't know. I really don't know."

Having suspected something like that, Carla nodded once more. "In that case…I'm just going to forget it, we pretend it never happened and go on with our Q&A session. Sound good to you?"

Since Peter seemed to be lost in thought, Carla went on without him having said anything. "So, did you grow up in New York?"

"Yeah, but I never liked the city too much. My favourite part of it was Central Park." He said with a small smile. "What about you? LA?"

"No, I grew up in St. Louis. I went to LA because I wanted to study Japanese. There are a lot of Japanese immigrants at the West Coast, so it's easier to find a native speaker to help you with the language." _Besides, LA is a lot more fun than St. Louis…_

"And your parents? They were from Russia?"

"Russia? No. Why?" She could barely contain a smirk. _Why does everyone have to have this particular misconception?_

"Your last name. It sounds Russian…"

"Radzilovich? No it doesn't. It sounds Polish. And yes, my father was a third generation American with roots in Poland. They even raised me bilingual. But now it's my turn again. You are way ahead with the questions. So tell me, how did you get to this?" She indicated the campus with a broad gesture of her left hand.

"Frank, who built up this school helped me to my feet again after an OD landed me in hospital. When I was okay again, I decided to stay here and help others."

"So that was true…" Carla was lost in memories.

"What was true?"

"I told you I went back to Seattle and searched for you, right? Well, everyone I asked told a different story. One of these stories was that you survived an OD and disappeared."

"What about you? Why did you join the Navy? I always thought you had a problem with authority."

"I do have a problem with that. But when Robin was born, I decided that I couldn't go on like that. Fucking up my own life, that was my problem. But living on the street with a little child…" she shook her head. "I remembered the judge suggesting the Army for 'channeling my violence to a good cause'. So I applied for Annapolis. The Navy provides free medical treatment for me and my son, childcare facilities, and I was able to get another degree. B.Sc. in Marine Engineering. It made a lot of sense at that time."

"So you have just one child?"

Carla studied Peter's face closely, searching for some clue for what he was aiming at. When she didn't find anything, she answered cautiously. "Yes."

"You do know that it's better for children to grow up with siblings?"

"I am well aware of that, yes." _Don't you dare accuse me of not having more kids. I might just hit you again._

But Peter isn't psychic, so he did just that. "So why don't you have more kids? I thought you only wanted the best for your son?"

While drawing in a deep breath and trying to come up with an answer that didn't include the use of her fists, Carla sensed motion out of the corner of her eye. That can only be Sophie…Oh well, just get it done with. "I do, and once I had dreams of at least three kids. But you know what? A hysterectomy tends to make you reconsider your family plans." Try as she might, she couldn't keep the anger out of her voice. She was surprised when she felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder. When she looked up, Sophie was standing there.

Peter clearly was at loss for words. "I'm sorry, uh…I…" he trailed off.

"Oh, you don't have to be sorry. It wasn't your fault." The anger was mostly gone. Now she only felt tired and spent. "Sophie, I'm going back to your cabin, see if I can get some sleep." Leaning closer, she whispered. "Today is as good a time as any." Louder: "Good night!"

And so she left Peter and Sophie, both of them thinking about what they had just heard, but for different reasons.


	12. Chapter 12 finally talking

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of it's original characters. I do own Carla.

**AN: **Thanks for reviewing, Queen of Shadows, Ghostwriter and mary-023! Sorry this chapter is a bit short...

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_Today is as good a time as any._ That was definitely true. One part of her mind even told her that today, now, was better than the days before. It was the part that had made her afraid and, yes jealous, from the moment Peter said he and Carla knew each other. Afraid, that Peter would rather go back to Carla. She knew that it wasn't good to feel relieved at someone else's misery, but when she heard Carla telling Peter that she couldn't have any kids she felt like weights had been lifted off her. She would tell him today, but later. First, she wanted to tease him a little.

"I leave you alone with her for half an hour and already you manage to fight." She said in a voice like a mother who is disappointed in her son.

"If you think that was a fight, you should have seen her hit me earlier." Peter said absentmindedly. He wondered what was wrong with him. Everything he had said seemed to anger Carla. Maybe there was truth to her words that there was just no understanding each other for them.

"She hit you?" There was alarm in Sophie's voice. "Are you okay?"

"Umm, well…, I think I even deserved it. And yes, I'm okay. But it's nice to hear that you're worried about me." He said with a lopsided grin.

"I do care about you, you know." Sophie was sincere.

Peter decided to risk asking once more. "Do you care enough to finally give me an answer as to why you turned down my proposal?" His eyes were pleading with her not to push him away again.

Sophie sighed. "Look, caring about you doesn't have anything to do with that. I was just afraid…" Actually, she still was.

"Afraid of what?" he couldn't think of any reason, but he was relieved that she was ready to talk to him.

"Afraid that I would have to tell you…things, and then you would reject me." She didn't look him in the eye, afraid to let him see the tears that pooled there.

"I would never reject you, Soph. I love you too much. You can tell me everything."

She looked at him for what seemed to be a long time. "Peter…do you,…do you want kids?"

Peter didn't know what she was driving at, but he chuckled. "Yes, of course! Of course I want kids."

His reply was so enthusiastic. Sophie felt her hopes sinking. She turned away from him. "You see, that's the problem. You want kids, but I – I can't give them to you. Or to me, for that matter." Now she couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

Peter stood there, dumbfounded. "What do you mean?"

Sophie almost shouted now. "For god's sake, why don't you get it? I can't have kids. That's it." Tears were streaming down her face.

Peter told himself to say something, to do something, before it was too late for them. So he tried to shake the shock that had gripped him. He pulled Sophie into a close embrace, murmuring in her ear. "The only thing I want even more than kids is you, Sophie Becker."

As if that had been the magical words the tension left her body. She leaned into Peter trustingly, once again completely at ease with him.

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On Monday morning they had done their running in mutual silence. Both Carla and Sophie had been lost in their own thoughts. That's why Carla was a bit startled when they arrived back at the cabin and suddenly, out of the blue, Sophie said "Thanks."

"Huh?" not sure if she had heard correctly, or if the word had been aimed at her at all, Carla pretended not to have understood.

"You were right."

"Can you be even more cryptic? Right about what?" Carla really didn't know what Sophie was talking about.

Sophie looked at Carla and concluded that her thoughts must have been somewhere else completely. Surely she couldn't already have forgotten what she told her yesterday and the day before. "About Peter, that he wouldn't reject me because of my…problem."

_Click! Of course, what else would she be talking about. You're so thick sometimes!_ "So you talked with him?"

"Yes, thanks to you. You helped me get the courage."

"Don't make too much of that. Sooner or later you would have come around to it on your own. At most, I helped speed up the process a bit."

"Still, I owe you thanks."

Carla grinned. "You're welcome. So. It's my turn cooking breakfast today, right?"

"What? Why?"

"I lost our competition yesterday, remember?" _And I don't want to keep talking about Peter…_

"Oh. Well, I won't keep you from making breakfast, just don't trash my kitchen. I'm taking a shower." And off she went.

"Trash your kitchen, my ass! I'm probably a better cook than you are." Carla muttered under her breath.

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Peter was already in his office, thinking back to the evening before. _I can't have kids._ Sophie's words had been a shock for him. But there was no doubt in his mind that he had done the right thing. He'd rather live with the woman he loved, without kids, than living without kids because there was no-one for him to have them with.

He also thought of Carla, and how they always ended up fighting when they were in the same place for more than a few minutes. He wondered what had changed. He thought back…and realized that he couldn't remember ever really having talked to her. He remembered them sharing, yes, but not talking. Sharing food, sharing shelter, sometimes sharing drugs although she wasn't too interested in them. And they had shared their bodies. He remembered an abandoned warehouse, the park, a few times even motel rooms – he still wondered how she'd paid for them…

His thoughts were interrupted by the fax machine coming to life. On the sheet that was printed out, he saw the Army letterhead and wondered what that was about. When he was done reading the text, he closed his eyes and cursed silently.

After standing there for another while he finally sighed and went to the cafeteria.

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	13. Chapter 13 lost fixture

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of it's original characters. I do own Carla.

**AN: **Like always: thank you so much for your reviews! You'll maybe notice that this chapter has a missing scene (in Peter's office). I couldn't come up with a believable way to write it and decided I'd rather leave it open to the readers' imagination than post something unbelievable. I hope it works nonetheless.

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David was the first of the Cliffhangers in the cafeteria today. He had been hungry, plus being there early gave him the opportunity to watch the others come in and find out who would be the best target for one of his trademark annoying comments. He was surprised, and even a bit worried, when the others started to file in and nothing sprang into his mind. Normally he had a lot more ideas than he ever dared to voice. Was he loosing his sharpness? He had a reputation to hold up! When Scott and Shelby came in, holding hands, he forced himself to say something, even though it was less witty than his remarks usually were.

"Hey! What do I see! The golden couple back together!" he cried.

Scott responded with a short "Knock it off!", but otherwise both of them were too happy to really be annoyed.

Breakfast went on with the usual banter. Only David was uncharacteristically quiet, but not so much the others would notice. Then Peter came in. David was sitting with his back to the door, but he got the clue from Scott and Shelby's reaction, how they were fast to put some air between them.

"David."

When he heard Peter say his name, he turned around, racking his brain to find out what he could have done wrong to warrant Peter's attention. The look on Peter's face was hard to read. Maybe he looked like someone who was about to do something he hated doing. That worried David even more, but he still didn't know what to make of it.

"Could you please come to my office when you're done with your breakfast."

David nodded, well knowing that it wasn't really a question. After Peter had left, he found that he was just staring at his food, not being able to eat anymore, his stomach in painful knots.

Auggie, who sat directly opposite David noticed that something was off. "Hey, mano, what did you do this time?"

David tried to shrug it off. "No idea." But he couldn't bear sitting there anymore. He got up and went to Peter's office, leaving the remains of his breakfast on the table.

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Carla knew that by now the students would be in their classes, so she wandered around the deserted campus, looking closely at everything. Doing that served multiple purposes. One, it passed the time. Two, it allowed her to think without her thoughts overheating. And, last but not least, it would give her better orientation, something she always strived to achieve. She had to admit to herself that she liked what she saw. She could even see herself living somewhere around here.

The woodshed she inspected more closely, because she thought that she had seen something between the pieces of wood…yes, packs of cigarettes, someone definitely had a stash here. She snickered. _Where there are rules, they are broken_. Carla wondered whether she should tell Peter about her findings? But then she decided against it. Whoever hid that here couldn't exactly be chain-smoking; and she was all for breaking rules every now and then. Peter on the other hand…yeah, she could see him as a stickler for the rules, real stiff. _Well, I'll look around some more, never know when it might come in handy…_

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Math, the last class of the morning had just ended and everyone went to get lunch. Just then Auggie realized that David hadn't come to any of their classes. Sure, he had been called to the principals office, and maybe he had some punishment now. But David hadn't bragged about any prank, in fact it seemed like he genuinely didn't know why Peter wanted to speak to him. Also, he had been strange throughout breakfast.

Auggie decided to speak about his observations with someone else and ran to catch up with Daisy. "Hey, Dais, you got a minute?"

"Sure, as long as you can talk while walking. For some obscure reason, I feel like I'm starving. Can't wait to get lunch. So, what's the matter?"

He didn't really know how to phrase his concerns. "Uhh… I think there's something wrong with David…"

Daisy laughed dryly. "And that's supposed to be news?"

"No, I don't mean his usual behaviour. Didn't you notice that he was weird at breakfast? 'Specially after Peter told him to come to his office? And he didn't come to class."

Daisy eyed him like he was a strange kind of bug. "Well, who would not be nervous at being called in the principal's office? And maybe he's on shuns."

Auggie rolled his eyes. He didn't think Daisy could be this dense. "But we've all seen him being called to Peter because he did something. He normally thinks it's all a big joke. But this time he didn't even finish his breakfast. And the way he looked…I just got the feeling that something is not right."

Auggie's seriousness and insistence made Daisy think. Auggie wasn't exactly best friends with David, so when he was concerned about him, there might be something to it. She respected the voice of intuition. "Alright, I believe you. But why are you telling me? Maybe you should ask David?"

"I thought, maybe you could talk to him? You're the Cliffhanger he trusts the most…"

Daisy contemplated that. "Alright. I try to catch him after lunch. But now I really have to eat."

David didn't appear in the cafeteria for lunch, and Daisy was beginning to worry, too. After all, his card had pointed to something dramatic…Just when she was done eating and preparing to look for David, Peter came over to them. Daisy could only wonder how he timed his appearances like that.

"Cliffhangers, please stay here for a moment." Peters request was answered by groans only.

"Since you're all so enthusiastic, how about we don't have group today? Unless you want to, of course." As he saw their faces lighting up, he smiled inwardly. "Naturally, I can't leave you off the hook completely. I'm giving you a writing assignment. 1000 words about what you think happens after we die and how it affects the way you live your life. Any questions?"

Some now regretted their enthusiasm at not having group, others were perfectly content with writing instead of talking. Daisy used the opportunity to ask. "Where is David?"

"I don't know. He wanted to be alone." Peter didn't know if actually leaving him on his own was a good decision, but he couldn't change that now.

"What's the matter with him?"

"Sorry, you have to ask him yourself. Alright, you're free to go."

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When she finally got out of the cafeteria, Daisy immediately started to search for David. Now she didn't do that just because she had promised Auggie; now, after what Peter had said, she was really worried. On the way outside, the answer suddenly came to her. She wanted to kick herself for not seeing it earlier. The card she had drawn for David, and, even more telling, the assignment Peter had just given them . . . someone must have died.

Surprisingly, she didn't have to search for a long time. David was sitting at the docks, staring in the water. Purposefully making noises so as not to startle him, Daisy went closer and sat down beside him. Normally, he would have made some comment by now, but today he just remained as he was, not even looking at her. She could see the tension in his shoulders and was sure that if she were to start talking now, he would just be defensive. So she decided to just sit beside him for the time being.

Twenty minutes later, when he seemed more relaxed, Daisy finally asked him. "What's the matter? You didn't come to class today . . . Peter give you the day off?"

That almost brought a smile to David's face, but not quite. "Something like that." He said matter-of-factly, still not looking at Daisy.

"Now, why would he do that?"

"Why don't you ask him?" Now there was irritation in his voice.

Daisy smiled a little. "That's what I did. He said he couldn't tell; and to ask you."

That came to David as a surprise. The way everything was going here, with little or no privacy, group sessions . . . he had somehow expected Peter to tell everyone. What he couldn't decide was whether this development was good or bad.

When she saw him staring into the water again, Daisy decided on a more drastic approach. "So, what happened, someone die?" Her choice of words and her tone left it open to interpretation. If he really didn't want to talk about it, he could treat it as a joke and tell her to leave him alone.

But that's not what he did. Instead, he turned around and fully faced her for the first time. "Yes, someone died. My father."

"I'm sorry."

With a dismissive gesture, David answered. "You don't have anything to be sorry about. You didn't kill him."

Daisy remained silent, waiting for David to say something.

He finally did. "He was on his way to an Army base . . . His plane crashed . . ." He unconsciously rubbed his neck. "He . . . had me listed as his next of kin. So they sent a fax to Peter's office . . . and he told me . . ."

"Well, that sure explains the assignment Peter gave us." Daisy tried to lighten the tension.

"What assignment?"

"We have to write about what we believe happens after we die. I don't know if you have to write it, too. He didn't seem too concerned by your absence."

David laughed. It was a short, dark, definitely not happy sound. "Either I have to write it, too, or I have to read everything you guys write. I almost think the second one."

"In that case . . . I'll try to make mine worth reading. But seriously, how do you feel?"

David shrugged. "I wasn't particularly close to him. I don't really feel . . . sad, or sorry, for him. He never was much of a father for me. It's more like a . . . shock, or something. Like I said, I didn't like him too much. But he was like . . . a fixture in my life. Stability. He was always the same old him, always predictable. Now . . . He's gone, and that was . . . totally unpredictable. Does that make sense?"

Daisy had never expected him to talk about his feelings so openly. "Yes, it does make sense . . . Do you want me to tell the others, or do you want to do it yourself? Because they will want to know . . ."

"I think it would be easier for me if you told them."

Daisy nodded. "I'll do that."

"Thanks."

Having said everything there was to say, both of them resumed staring into the water.


	14. Chapter 14 aftermath

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Higher Ground or any of it's original characters. I do own Carla.

**AN: **Sorry for the long wait, I had an oral presentation last week; and the amounts of reading I had to do for that were simply inhuman. It's also not very long, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. BTW, the Big Brother thing refers to Orwell's 1984, not the TV show.

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Now it was Peter who was searching the campus for David. He was seriously questioning his earlier decision to leave David alone. The boy had barely reacted at all to the news and refused to talk about how it made him feel. Of course, the solitude might do him some good, help him to fully absorb his father's death. There was even the possibility that he needed to cry and wanted to be alone for that. On the other hand, he could do something stupid. And that's why Peter had to find him.

Coming closer to the docks, he was met by a reassuring sight. David was there and he didn't look like he would do something stupid at all. More important, he was talking to Daisy. Maybe even talking about the news Peter had given him. But the distance was too big to hear anything and Peter didn't want to eavesdrop anyway. He would have preferred that David talk to him, but he was glad that he talked to someone.

Assured that David was okay for now and in the knowledge that his interference would be appreciated by neither David nor Daisy, Peter turned around to walk back to his office. Doing so, he almost came face to face with Carla, who had obviously been watching him.

She smirked at his surprised expression. "Do you always go around watching your students like that? If so, you will be responsible for any cases of paranoia among them. Why don't you install surveillance cameras to give this place some real Big-Brother-is-watching-you-feel?"

"This morning I had to give David the news that his father was killed. I had to make sure that he was more or less okay and preferably not alone." Appreciating her humor, he added. "As for Big Brother, if we ever have telescreens installed, you can be the instructor for the morning PT."

Carla did her best to look indignant. "I would never have any part in turning your school into an authoritative surveillance state!" Then, thoughtfully. "What about David? How did he take it?"

Peter sighed. "That's the thing. He barely showed any reaction at all. I was afraid he'd bottle it all up. But now it looks like he's talking to Daisy and I'm glad."

She looked at him quizzically. "You do know that – maybe not in this special case – but that sometimes, you just have to give someone a bit of solitude, that sometimes, talking is not what someone needs, right?"

Peter furrowed his brow at that. He had the feeling that she was trying to say something more than the obvious but he didn't quite get it. "Yes, I've thought about that. But it's hard to know if someone really might benefit from being left alone, or if it would hurt them even more."

A nod. "You're right about that. It's hard. But hey, you're the counselor. It's your job to know things like that."

That brought thoughts back into his conscious mind, thoughts he had tried to push out of his mind completely, but had only succeeded in pushing to the back of his mind. Contemplating not being fit to be a counselor here, much less the principal of the school . . . thoughts about quitting . . . He was quick to push them back where they belonged, he didn't want to get into that spiral of self-pity again. Next thing, he switched the topic, trying to steer clear of dangerous waters. "I suppose. But, on something else, Sophie told me you were going back to California tomorrow?"

"Yes. I've made the decision I came here to make; and I don't want to leave Robin alone any longer than necessary."

Peter looked at her shocked. "You left your son alone? He's too young for that!"

Now it was her turn to look shocked. "No! No, of course not! God, what kind of mother do you think I am? He's with my parents in law." She was still shaking her head.

"Oh. Sorry. So what is your decision?"

"I'm taking early retirement. I still don't know what I'm gonna do after that, but being here has just shown me once more that I can't possibly spend the next years behind a desk."

Peter absorbed that and nodded. Then "Do you have any pictures of your son? I'd like to see them."

This sudden interest in Robin startled Carla, but she managed to hide that. "People say he looks a lot like me. I don't know about that. It's hard to see something like that in your own family. As for pictures, I have tons, but not with me. The only pictures I carry in my wallet are of dead people." _And that are way too many by now . . ._

"Carla, Peter." Unnoticed by them, Sophie had approached.

"Oh, hi Sophie." Carla was glad to have an excuse for disappearing. "excuse me, I'll leave you two to yourselves."

Sophie watched Carla walk away, then turned around and asked, exasperated. "What is it with you two?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Oh, c'mon, Peter! Every time you talk between yourselves and I interfere, she looks like I were rescuing her."

"I don't know what you're talking about, we were just talking." He shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

"Well, I'm beginning to see why she said it would never have worked out between you . . . ", Sophie said contemplatively.

Peter was surprised by that. "She told you that?"

"Yeah, she did. Anyway, that's not why I came here. – There are parents in your office, the belong to one of the Trackers. I don't know what they want, but you should go see them."

Peter sighed. He hated surprise visits by parents. He didn't have the opportunity to prepare himself to read the students file and to speak with the groups counselor. Also, surprise visits rarely meant good things. More often than not they meant that the parents wanted to take their child out of Horizon prematurely, when the kid wasn't ready yet.

"I'd better go there then.", he said, resigned to the fact that this day wouldn't get any less stressful.

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After a while of sitting next to him and staring into the water, David had asked her to leave him alone. Daisy understood his need for solitude and went to fulfill her promise to him.

She found the rest of the Cliffhangers in the lounge, most of them obviously working on their writing assignment. She looked around and found that there were only few other students and none of them paid any attention to the part of the room the Cliffhangers were in. Daisy remembered that most other groups had some activity scheduled.

Shelby was the first to look up when Daisy approached. "Hey Dais. Where have you been?"

Daisy only smiled at her and addressed the whole group. "Hey guys, can you listen to me for a second?" A chorus of "Sure" and "What's up?" answered her.

"I'm sure most of you noticed that David has been nowhere to be seen today." She waited for the affirmative noises to die down. "Well, the thing is, today he got the news that his father died. He seems a bit shaken; and he told me that he would feel better if he didn't have to tell you. That's why I'm doing this."

With that, Daisy sat down, intent on starting on her own writing, trying to ignore the ongoing discussions about David, his father, their assignment and what the connection was between all of that.


	15. Chapter 15 Carla's confession

In the evening, Sophie and Carla were sitting together in Sophie's living room. They sat on opposite ends of the couch, legs tucked under themselves and cups of hot chocolate in their hands. For a long while neither of them said anything, but it was a comfortable silence. Then Sophie broke it.

"I've been thinking about David. Maybe you could help him . . . work through his grief?"

"You think because I lost someone to the Armed Forces, too?", Carla asked while an uneasy feeling crept into her.

As an answer she got a nod, so she continued.

"No matter ho we lose people, every one of us grieves differently. I wanted to be left alone. I hated it when people tried to console me, sympathize with me or 'help' me. For me, my grief was a private thing, between me and my husband. The only interference I tolerated was from my son and my parents-in-law. I didn't want any consolation; consequently I don't know how to console others. Believe me, I'm the last person you'd ask for something like that. Besides, I'm leaving tomorrow morning."

Sophie nodded slowly in acceptance. "Do you have a photo of him?"

For a moment, Carla froze at the sudden request. Then she jumped up and disappeared for a minute. When she came back, she held a photograph. She plopped down on the couch again and gave it to Sophie.

Sophie looked at the small paper rectangle in her hands. It was clearly a family shot. Mother, father, son . . . wait, son? "Didn't you tell Peter you didn't have a picture of your son?"

"I didn't lie to him." Came the defensive answer. "At the time, out there, I didn't have one with me. And it wasn't in my wallet, so I didn't lie about that, either."

Sophie regarded her dubiously. Then she stared at the picture. Her eyes became mere slits when a certain suspicion grew within her . . . "Is there a special reason why you didn't want Peter to see him?"

Carla started fidgeting nervously, but didn't say anything. Sophie wasn't stupid. She'd most likely figure it out in the next five minutes. She should have never taken out the photograph. How could such a grave mistake happen to her?

Sophie watched Carla closely. She clearly wasn't comfortable with the direction their conversation had taken. But this was something she felt she had to find out. "Your husband wasn't your son's father, right?"

Carla sighed. She didn't ask how Sophie came to this idea. It really didn't take a genius. After all, Richard had been black; Robin was not. "I never claimed he was, did I?"

Sophie hesitated. That had been the obvious part. She wasn't so sure about the rest of her suspicion. "Sooo . . . ?"

Carla had made her decision. "Please, don't tell anyone about this? Promise me."

"Alright, I promise. I won't tell anyone what you're about to say."

Carla drew a deep breath. "Yes, Peter really is Robin's father. And yes, I know I have to tell him eventually. . . "

"Whoa, that's . . . just whoa. So he never suspected anything? He didn't know you were pregnant?" Sophie thought of Carla's reaction when she met Peter, and suddenly it all made sense.

"No he didn't. It must have happened not long before I was arrested. When I missed my first period in jail, I didn't think much of it. I knew that some women don't get periods at all in jail because of the constant stress. But then there was morning sickness and I fainted several times. They had a doctor look at me and, well. . . let's say my time in prison was easier because of my pregnancy, I spent a lot of time in the infirmary . . . Robin was born two months before I was released. And that was that."

"And you didn't tell Peter then because . . .?"

"I tried to, I really did. I went back to Seattle and looked for him, asked around when I couldn't find him. He hadn't been seen for months. Most people said he probably OD'd; and for all I knew that was a very real possibility. There were a few who said he may have gone to a hospital, but no one was sure about anything." She emphasized by shrugging her shoulders.

"He went to the hospital. Actually that's where I met him. So if you thought he was most likely dead . . . it must have been a shock meeting him again." She shook her head and blew a little air through her lips. "Will you tell him now?"

Carla shook her head decisively. "Not now. It's all too . . . fresh. I will go back to San Diego. I will have to tell Robin that I found his other Dad. Then, when I'm retired, I'll come here again. Uhh, actually, I'm a bit afraid of telling Peter . . ."

Sophie was surprised. "Why? I don't think he'll be angry at having a son."

Hesitation. Then: "Today he already implied that he thinks I'm not a good mother. And he didn't even know that Robin's his son. I'm afraid he'll think I'm not good enough, that he'll try to tell me what is best for him."

Sophie put her hand on Carla's. "I'm sure that you are a good mother. And if you bring Robin here with you and Peter sees you with him, he will see that too. Don't worry about that."

Carla began fidgeting uneasily again. "There's something else . . ."

Sophie nodded for her to continue.

"He might feel obliged to try a relationship with me again." She shrugged. "The result of something like that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. Not to me, not to Robin, not to Peter and certainly not to you."

Sophie sat frozen, shell-shocked. "I . . . I didn't even think about that . . ."

"As I told you before, I don't want a relationship with him again. Not that I want to keep him out of Robin's life, certainly not. I'd even move here, into this region after my retirement, to reduce travel." She looked at Sophie, unsure whether what she had to say next would be presumptuous. "I'd rather wait with telling him until you are married."

At that, Sophie relaxed visibly. For some minutes she just sat there, deep in thought. Then she regained her ability to form coherent sentences. "Good idea. I guess the ball's in my field now. After all, he already asked me." Her eyes lit up. "We do have the morp this week. And a meteor shower. I'll ask him that night."

"Morp?"

"Katherine's idea. She wanted a prom, but our own version, so she spelled it backwards." There was a genuine smile in Sophie's face when she thought of Kat's impressive development. She had matured considerably and should be ready to face the outside world.

Carla nodded, eyes twinkling in appreciation of the girl's wit. "So you'll be wearing an evening gown and he a tux and you'll be standing outside watching shooting stars . . . that certainly is a romantic setting. He won't be able to resist you."

Sophie chuckled. "I sure hope so." Suddenly she looked concerned again. "Won't it be difficult to explain it all to your son?"

Shaking her head, Carla answered. "Robin will be a lot easier than Peter. He already knows that he has another father besides Richard. I mean, except genetics, Richard was his real father in every respect. But it was only a matter of time until other people told him that Rich couldn't be his 'real' father. So we explained to him that he had two fathers, but I didn't know where the other one was." She shrugged. "I'll just tell him that I found him."

A moment went by in silence, both women following their own thoughts. Suddenly Sophie sat up straighter, as if something had occurred to her. "Wait . . . all this means that, when I'm married to Peter, you'll be something like a relative to me . . ."

Carla laughed. "You could see it like that, yes."


	16. Chapter 16 David's reading

**_What happens to us after we die?_** _by Daisy Lipenowski_

_It's a fact. We all die eventually. It is said that next to birth, death is the only sure thing in life. Whoever said that did have a point._

_None of us will live infinitely. And in a sense, that's a good thing. When we realize that our time is limited, we have to think about how we spend it. Otherwise we'll wake up as old people one day, our time almost up; and regret our lifes._

_As the paragraph before indicates, I don't believe that we will go on after death, in whatever form. I don't believe that death is a gate to either heaven or hell or any otherworldly existence. I don't believe we'll be reborn in another body, be it human or animal. I don't believe we'll become spirits haunting the living or watching over them. I don't believe we'll become little twinkling stars in the sky, looking down on earth; although I have to admit the idea has a certain appeal._

_After death, there is nothing. We simply cease to exist. It ends._

_On one hand, this idea is terribly frightening. Nothingness is a state we are unable to really comprehend. It is certainly easier to imagine an afterlife. Depending on the individual belief, we would still be able to experience things, or even do something. Especially pleasant afterlife fantasies like paradise are appealing. But all of them were constructed to lessen our fear of death. They can be useful when they provide peace of mind where otherwise there would be constant fear. But they can be equally harmful when they promise a life better than the one we have and allow us to see suicide as a shortcut to get there._

_On the other hand, it can be a relief that there is nothing after death. Because not only will we cease to experience the good things, but also the bad things. We won't have to struggle anymore. We won't have to experience the punishments negative afterlife scenarios like hell hold in store for us. We will never again be afraid or concerned or panicky._

_The only thing living on after death is our part of other people's memories. And our life is the only time when we can influence how we live there. The way we live our life determines how we live on in people's mind after we die. In a sense, we create our own afterlife._

David put down Daisy's essay. Everything she wrote was thought through and made sense. His memories of his father weren't very good, but he felt that Daisy wasn't writing about that. In this rare intuitive moment he sensed that she meant his life; that she wanted to make him think about his actions in light of the memories they would produce.

If anyone told him this, he'd just laugh sarcastically; but secretly he was flattered that Daisy had written her essay especially for him. He really had appreciated her support the day before, although he'd never admit that. Undeterred by his attitude as she was, she really got to him. It was kind of strange; the many aspects in which they were different, even opposites.

Outwardly, he was more childlike than would be expected in his age, whereas Daisy seemed much more mature. She always seemed to stand above his jokes and pranks, but unlike the others she also didn't react with resentment.

She seemed to know that his pranks, his sarcastic comments, his attitude were barely more than a façade, a mask. Admittedly, it was a mask that he had worn for a very long time. Such along time, in fact, that it had become part of him. That it was close to impossible to say where the mask ended and his face began. But there was a face behind the mask. They had not yet become one; and he doubted they ever would. But his face had been hidden behind the mask for so long, it had become vulnerable to the outside world. He didn't remember which country it was where women wore an increasing number of rings around their necks to stretch them. But he knew that after years of doing that, they couldn't live without the rings, their necks would break.

It was like that for his face. He couldn't, wouldn't leave it unprotected.

That, as far as Daisy was concerned, his mask was made of glass, created ambiguous feelings. It unnerved him, he felt exposed. But unexpectedly, there also was a tiny sense of relief. Relief, that someone else knew the 'real' him. It felt like he didn't have to carry as heavy a weight anymore.

Sighing, he returned to the pile of essays. Daisy's was the last he had read. The others all were interesting to varying degrees, but hers was the only one that really touched him.

David hoped that he wouldn't have to talk about all of this with Peter. Talking with Daisy had helped, but Peter always was so demanding. With Daisy he knew that she wouldn't press him if he didn't want to talk, but with Peter . . . therapy could really be a pain in the ass.

Right on cue, Peter stuck his head into the room David was in.

"Hey, are you done reading?"

David contemplated lying, but decided to tell the truth. "Yeah. Very interesting." Careful to not let any emotion into his voice.

"Are you ready to talk about it?"

There he goes again. David felt all his defenses going up. He stared at the wall and said nothing.

"David?", Peter probed.

"Peter.", came David's now exasperated voice. "I talked . . . at length . . . with Daisy yesterday. She's no certified counselor, but she gave me some things to think about. I'm working things out in my head. I really don't need to talk about any of it . . . with you . . . right now."

To his immense surprise, Peter nodded slowly. "I'll leave you alone then." What David didn't know was that his words had reminded Peter of what Carla had said to him not so long ago, that talking wasn't a cure-it-all. It was a hard thought for him to grasp, all his experience as a counselor circled around talking as a first step in getting over things. But he had the nagging feeling that maybe he should be a bit less aggressive in his approach; that maybe he should still focus on talking it out, put not to push the kids, to allow them their own pace.

On his way back to his office, Peter decided to think about it some more and discuss it with Sophie.

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Back in his office, Peter realized that he had neglected to open his regular mail for at least two days and it had grown into a substantial pile. So he sat down to work on it. The letters of application he set aside, he would need more time to deal with them. The bills he sorted into another pile. Finally, he came across a letter from his insurance company. That was puzzling because he already had the insurance bill sitting on his desk.

Curious, he opened the letter and began to read. After a few minutes, his hands fell on the desk and he sighed warily. What he had just read meant a lot of work for him during summer break and a lot of changes for horizon. He wondered just how these companies determined what was a liability but ultimately decided it wasn't worth a lot of thought. After all, bureaucracies were seldom completely logical.

Another thing to discuss with Sophie.


End file.
